Once upon a time, in a land not so far – oh, let's face it. The land was pretty damn far away, and you and I are hardly likely to ever go there. Anyway. So, far way, in the land of Jaffa, a boy was born. Well, not really born. Born in the sense that he'd reached puberty and was about to undergo a sacred rite initiating him to adulthood. It was like birth, except this time his mother wouldn't sweat quite so much. The boy's name was Teal'c. The ceremony was to a be a large one, full of food, fighting (merely for entertainment's sake, no one would die) and fun. It would start with Teal'c being implanted with a symbiote. (It's worth mentioning here that some other cultures found this a vile and repulsive practice. 'Who would want to share their body with another being?', was a common question from the non-Jaffa. "Indeed," one of the land's ambassador's was noted as saying, "I cannot think of a reason. Aside from the benefits to our health and longevity." He didn't continue with 'you stupid morons', since the land of Jaffa was known for ambassadors of few words, but expressive faces. He didn't need the words – he just gave the others A Look.) Back to the story. The symbiote would be implanted, and this would be followed by gifts being presented to Teal'c from friends and well wishers. (The gifts were expected to be lavish, since Teal'c was from a rather affluent family. The rich just get richer, don't they?) It was to be a great day. It started off well. Teal'c arose, prepared himself mentally, and had the ceremonial bath. He donned the ceremonial robes, and presented himself at the ceremonial stage, and all was ceremonial and proper. At the end of the implantation process (some people looked away), he bowed to the onlookers, and stepped down. The party began. It started with long speeches about the strong warrior Teal'c would become, and how he would father strong children, and other such proclamations of greatness and strength. If a few people in audience (mostly the female contingent of the Tau'ri delegation, who always wondered at the testosterone-laden Jaffa culture) rolled their eyes, no one noticed. There was a bit of a ceremonial battle, too. All in all, it wasn't shaping up to be what you'd call a wild, fun, party. No one had really expected that, though. Things started to perk up when it came time to present gifts to Teal'c. He climbed back up on the stage, and graciously accepted packages and papers. He got: - A full set of armour, designed for his immature form. - The promise of a new set of armour when he reached his physical peak. - A staff-weapon (the Tau'ri sighed with envy). - A firm handshake from the Tollan delegation ("This is all we are permitted to share with you," he was told). - A hamper of food from some of the village girls. Boys always need feeding, their representative said, smiling shyly. - Cookies (no one claimed the gift; it simply showed up on the pile). - A hair removal device from a villager who suggested that 'bald was the new sexy'. - A hat from the villager's partner, who rolled his eyes and said, "The sun." - And various other sundries from ordinary people. Then it was time for the special gifts from his three guardian aliens. The first gift came from a Nox representative, who handed him flowers and the ability to speak his mind with few words. She also gave him the power of The Look. They were most welcome gifts (even the flowers). Teal'c nodded his thanks. The second gift was from the Asgard, who handed him a fine set of ceremonial robes made from the smoothest silk (if you are familiar the Asgard, you'll understand that it was a somewhat ironic gift). The third alien guardian, the Tau'ri O'Neill was about to step forward with his gift, when the ground shook, and darkness fell over the party. Everyone looked upwards, finding a large ship blocking the heavens. No one was surprised when a ring device deployed, and suddenly, Apophis was standing before the stage. He never had known how to make a subtle entrance. "Jaffa! Kree!" His voice rang out, and nobody was quite sure what he meant. Kree? It had so many possible meanings. Apophis really had to start paying attention to details other than his eyeliner and hairstyle. It didn't improve Apophis's mood when everyone just stood around, pondering his words. He liked action, not thought. Turning imperiously, he climbed the steps to the stage. "Teal'c. My gift to you is this: When you turn 20, a staff weapon will discharge and kill you. That is all." He stalked back down the stage, and ascended (via the ring device) back to his ship. It hovered there for a moment, but eventually, Apophis lost interest. The sun shone down on the party again. O'Neill looked at Teal'c and said, "Oh, for crying out loud. That guy just doesn't know how to party." In a lower voice, and mostly to himself, he added, "Then again, this isn't exactly party central." When Teal'c glared at him, he cleared this throat. "Yeah, yeah, I'm on it. Can't do much to stop that curse, but I've got a counter for it. Sure, that staff weapon will discharge, but instead of killing you, it'll just send you into a long sleep. Don't worry. Someone will wake you up." It wasn't the best gift ever, and the audience frowned at O'Neill. Someone even threw fruit. "What?" O'Neill yelled. "I'm not a miracle worker!" He walked to the edge of the steps, and said, "That's all, kids," as he climbed down. Later, a few people claimed that as he'd walked off, muttering to himself about ingrates and people who can't ever get the sticks out of the asses. But no one could quite believe he would be so crass. Well, at least not at a party. * Years passed. Teal'c grew, although he didn't quite seem to stop. That permanent armour promise couldn't be fulfilled, not yet. As he approached twenty years, there was some discussion about banning all staff weapons in the land. It was nixed pretty quickly, because that would be a huge blow to Jaffa culture. How would they fight? Life wasn't all about hand-to-hand combat, you know (although the Nox had some thoughts on all violent actions). So staff weapons weren't banned. But everyone who had even an ounce of consideration tried to keep them away from Teal'c's immediate person. Still, as is inevitable, on Teal'c's twentieth birthday, a staff weapon discharged without warning (the training Jaffa warrior whose weapon it was immediately stated that he would redeem his family's honour in any way possible) and grazed Teal'c's temple. He fell back, wound barely bleeding, and went into a deep sleep. Healers were called. They stopped the bleeding, declared Teal'c otherwise unharmed, but failed to wake him. He slept. He was moved to his family's home, and placed in the central chamber, upon a ceremonial altar. Still, he slept. And one by one, his family also slept. The villagers felt drowsy, and retiring to their own beds, they too slept. No Jaffa village had ever been so quiet, or so still. * They slept until one day a Tau'ri adventurer happened upon the village. "Hey," he said to his squire. "Never seen a Jaffa village so quiet." The squire, Daniel, was busy inspecting an rock overgrown with ivy, and didn't answer immediately. "Daniel!" He looked up. "Yes?" The Tau'ri adventurer, one Cameron Mitchell, gestured at the village. "What's up with this? Any guesses?" Pushing his glasses up his nose, Daniel bent down to the rock again. "It says here –" "Where?" Daniel pointed at the rock, frowning. "Here." "That's writing?" Rolling his eyes – not particularly squire-like, frankly – Daniel said. "Yes. It says the inhabitants have been sleeping since one of the villagers was cursed by Apophis –" Cameron grunted. "That guy." "—and the curse modified by O'Neill of the Tau'ri –" "He is such a joker." Daniel sighed in exasperation and continued, "so that the villager would sleep until awoken by a stranger from afar. And the villagers retired to their beds and slept as well, waiting for that day to come." Now, Cameron had been looking for adventure for a while. Daniel would have preferred a life of intellectual challenge, but being a squire, he had little choice but to follow Cameron on his search for adventure. (Back home, the discussion had gone like this: "Daniel. Saddle up." "Um. What?" Cameron grinned. "We're leaving. It's boring as hell here." He clapped his hands together and rubbed them rapidly. "Let's go have some fun!" "We're taking horses?" "No. We're taking a shuttle." The silence was long. "I think we should –" "Daniel, we're a team. So do me a favour – saddle up." And Daniel did.) Anyway. So Cameron was looking for adventure, and if this didn't fit the bill, then I don't know what would. "So, we can wake up this cursed person and the rest of the village?" Daniel nodded, still staring at the rock, his fingers running over the inscriptions. "Yes." "Catch?" "Nothing really. You wake her with a kiss." Now, that was what Cameron was talking about. Be heroic, save a village, and get a kiss to boot. Gesturing at the village, he said, "Let's get on it!" Walking through the place was eerie. I can truthfully say that it made Cameron want to carry more than one gun in each hand, but that wasn't possible. Instead, he walked cautiously, stepping around sleeping animals and curled up, sleeping, children. "Looks like not everyone made it to bed." They stopped at one house, and looked inside. A Jaffa family was sleeping peacefully. "Gotta say, it's unnerving to see them so –" "Not fighty?" Daniel suggested. "Not fighty. You're supposed to be some kind of linguistic genius, and you say 'not fighty'? That's real articulate." Daniel glared at him, and Cameron glared right back, and they left the house. "Which one do you figure was cursed?" Daniel didn't answer, and just as Cameron was about to ask again (Daniel was a decent squire, but sometimes his head floated in the clouds), he heard, "Um. Mitchell?" "Yeah?" "You might want to look at this." He turned back to Daniel, and saw it. A barricade of staff weapons piled thick and high around a large house. "Subtle clue." (Actually, it was rather subtle, in that the staff weapons weren't firing randomly into the air. If you know Apophis, that's about as subtle as he can get). Over the years, Cameron had been accused (mostly by Daniel) of being a glory-happy knuckle-head, but there are some things a man just knows. These include the wisdom of cautiously approaching a staff-weapon pile. "Watch my back," he said to Daniel, and took a single step toward the barricade. Two more steps, and he started to feel cocky. Daniel wouldn't have been surprised in the least. Three more steps, and the first staff weapon discharged. "What the hell!" he yelled, and retreated. Daniel stood waiting for him, a long-suffering expression on his face. "That's hardly surprising." "That's real helpful, Daniel." Cameron replied, inspecting the burn on his left arm. The discharge had just grazed him. I've reliably been informed that it didn't even hurt too much when he poked the reddened flesh. "Huh," Daniel said. "Huh?" Daniel reached out and slathered some salve (he always kept it handy) on Cameron's arm. "That's not much of a burn. You were hit straight-on." "It was a graze!" Shaking his head, Daniel stepped back. "I saw it. You should have lost your arm." Huh. "I'm thinking that maybe the weapons are almost depleted. After all," Daniel pointed at the ground around the barricade, which was littered with bones, "it looks like others have tried this before." This was the first time that Cameron had noticed. It's possible that Daniel had put them there while he wasn't looking, but really. Paranoia has never been healthy. "So, maybe we can use up the rest of their energy." Daniel nodded. "Let's throw rocks." This wasn't exactly what Cameron had been thinking about when he started out on the business of galactic adventuring. But who didn't like to throw things, especially when they get disintegrated by alien weaponry? And it worked. Eventually. When Cameron's arm was sore and he was bored. It was good timing, actually. The weapons were depleted, and there was a fine shimmer of rock dust around the barrier. In the afternoon sunlight, it made everything look just a little bit golden. (Oh please, don't act surprised. This is a fairy tale. Everything is golden and rosy, even the curses. Although, if you asked Daniel, he might tell you how most fairy tales – and nursery rhymes too – are a thin veil of fiction over morality warnings and dark undertones, but Daniel likes to talk too much, and we aren't going to ask him). Without the weapons discharge, it was easy to break through the barrier. Ridiculously easy, really. Apophis never had been one with much in the way of brains. They walked into the building, through sitting rooms, and kitchens and weapons rooms (mostly weapons rooms, frankly), finding sleeping servant after sleeping servant. "How am I supposed to figure out which one is the one? "It's likely that they put hi- er, her – in the central ceremonial chamber," Daniel answered. He was right. When they got to the central chamber, they found Teal'c. On an altar (typical Jaffa, really. Altar this, altar that). Cameron climbed up the steps to the altar, and looked down at the brawny, toned, and bizarrely, oiled-looking sleeping Teal'c. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me." Daniel was silent, maybe with a hint of a smirk on his face. "You said it was a girl!" "Er. I may have mistranslated that gender pronoun." It was definitely a smirk. "Oh, that's likely. Mistakes like that are for students, not you!" Daniel beamed at the compliment. "Isn't a squire supposed to be loyal?" He gestured at Teal'c. "I'm supposed to kiss this guy?" "That's what the inscription said." "And how am supposed to know you didn’t mistranslate that part too?" Daniel just grinned benignly, and Cameron sighed. Clearly, his sigh was articulating his feeling that heroic galactic adventure was supposed to be less aggravating. "Fine." Now, I don't want to give you the impression that Cameron was opposed to kissing a guy. That was certainly not the case. After all, Teal'c was pretty easy on the eyes, and had nice kissing lips, and I'll admit it – the whole oiled-skin, muscle thing was working for him too. It was just that Cameron had misgivings about kissing a Jaffa warrior who might wake up angry and violent. After all, Cameron had been there before. It had been messy. But that's a story for another time. Still, say what you will about Cameron Mitchell, but he'd never been one to avoid a challenge. "Just watch my back," he said, before taking a deep breath and bending down. For a kiss, it wasn't much to see. But hell, Cameron couldn't expect much, kissing a curse-induced sleeping Jaffa. (Although I have heard that the Jaffa are fantastic in the sack. Something about that ability to focus on one thing at a time. These are just unsubstantiated rumours, though. No one seems to be willing to share details. Honestly, it's unfair. Knowledge of the details is what makes a good storyteller.) So, back to the kiss. It wasn't what you'd call the greatest kiss in history. Or even one of the top 10. But it worked. Because O'Neill was that kind of joker. As Cameron stepped back, Teal'c's eyes snapped open. "Who are you?" He asked, voice grainy from disuse. "Cameron Mitchell. Galactic Adventurer." He posed majestically for a moment, and then turned to Daniel. "Hey! That kissing thing worked!" Daniel rolled his eyes. He did that a lot. "Of course it did." Teal'c pushed himself up, and off the altar. "I and my people owe you a debt of honour." Cameron waved his hand, dismissing any repayment (he was just the kind of guy). "All in a day's work." "Indeed?" "Yep." He ticked off points on one hand, "Find cursed village. Defeat staff-weapons barrier with my bare hands, skill, and cunning (Daniel sighed). Wake up cursed Jaffa warrior with a kiss," he winked. "Been there, done that. Nothing new." "I remain most grateful." "Well," Cameron drawled out, "if you've got nothing else to do, I'm always looking for people to join my team of galactic adventurers. Daniel's O.K. –" There was some muttering from the edge of room. "- he's a real pal. But the more people, the better." Teal'c's eyes narrowed, but anyone who had spent anytime with Jaffa would know that this was a sign of interest. "Perhaps." Cameron slapped him on the shoulder and grinned. "That's what I'm talking about!" And thus ends the tale of Cameron Mitchell, Galactic Adventurer, and Sleeping Brawny. There are loose ends we could tie up here – did Teal'c join Mitchell and his gang? Did they have stunning adventures and possibly a varied and fun sex life? Would Daniel ever get his life of quiet intellectual work, collaborating with his good friend Samantha Carter? Those are all stories for another time. (But quickly: Yes, he did. Adventures were copious, and Cameron found out that the rumours about Jaffa warriors and sex were, in fact, true. Daniel continued to roll his eyes at some (many) of Cameron's antics, and Sam joined him at it. But they also laughed). |