Oz: The Musical
by Owl


The Prag Song - Tobias Beecher
(apologies to Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim)

Scene: Em City. Beecher and Keller are sitting at a table.

Beecher: Chris, I don't want to talk about Schillinger anymore.
Every time I play that game, I lose. Let's just let it go.
Keller: Toby, what are you crazy? He killed your kid, man, he turned
you against me, are you just gonna let him get away with it?
Beecher: Well, I killed both his kids, more or less, isn't that
enough?
Keller: Nah, Vern don't know Hank's dead, and *Vern's* the one that
killed Andy. He's still walkin' 'round here like king shit. Tell me,
Toby, you gonna be his prag *forever*?
(This last comment sparks a fire within Beecher, he jumps up, kicks
his chair away)
Beecher: Yeah, Chris, aren't you?

When you're a Prag
You're a Prag all the way
From your first up the ass
To your last dyin' day

When you're a Prag
They will do what they please
Though there's hacks all around
I guess nobody sees!

You're never alone
You always get molested
You're ass ain't your own
And blow jobs are expected
Though I've objected!

Then you are set
With a tatt on your cheek
Which you'll never forget
I gave Andy a peek
When you're a Prag
You stay a Prag!

(A crowd begins to gather around Beecher and Keller, including Cyril
O'Reily, Peter Schibetta, and Kenny Wangler.)
Keller: You're right, Toby, I was Vern's prag, and I'm ready to make
him pay, once and for all.
Beecher: All right, I'm with you, who else?
Cyril: Well, I don't know what all those big words mean, but Vern is
a very bad man. Can I help? I can take him, I can beat him up!
Peter: Does one time count? It was Adebisi, not Schillinger, but I
don't care, I just want to be part of a gang again, please?
Keller: Yeah, sure, fine, whatever...Wangler? What's with the outfit?
Kenny: Yo, I heard the singing, I thought these were the auditions
for South Pacific. But, hey, I was Adebisi's prag, I'm in.
Peter: In, out, let's get crackin'.
Beecher: Where you gonna find Vern?
Cyril: It ain't safe to go into their territory.
Keller: He'll be at the dance tonight at the gym.
Peter: Yeah, but the gym's neutral territory.
Keller: Peter. I'm gonna make nice with him! I'm only gonna
challenge him.
Kenny: Great, Daddy-o!
Keller: So listen, everybody dress up sweet and sharp. Meet Toby and
me at the dance after ten. And walk tall!
Peter: We always walk tall!
Cyril: We're Prags!
Beecher: The greatest!

When you're a Prag
Beat 'im off with a stick
Take a shit in his face
Take a bite off his dick

When you're a Prag
You don't ever break free
Fall in love with a man
Then he hurts you with glee

The Prags are in gear
A Schillinger we're turnin'
His Dad'll steer clear
'Cause ev'ry son o' Vernon's for drugs is yearnin'!

Here come the Prags
But our plan went to hell
Someone snatched my two kids
Someone sound the death knell

Here come the Prags
Little Hank, step aside
There he goes underground
Left behind a young bride

All: We're drawin' the line,
So keep your grandson hidden
We're hangin' a sign
Says "Schillingers forbidden"
And we ain't kiddin'!

Here come the Prags
Yeah! An' we're gonna knock
Ev'ry last buggin' gang
On the whole buggin' block!
On the whole buggin' ever-lovin' block!

*********

Ev'ry Time I Take A Bite - McCullum and Nino Schibetta
(apologies to Cole Porter)

Split screen: McCullum in solitary, sitting on his bed, half-chewed
arm in his lap, looking slightly bored/Nino in his pod, lying in bed,
rubbing his stomach with a grimace, gazing up at the ceiling...

McCullum: Ev'ry time I take a bite, I die a little
Schibetta: Ev'ry time I take a bite, I wonder why it sparkles
McCullum: Why the hacks around me, who must not have a clue
Check so little on me, they allow me to chew
Schibetta: When dinner's here, there's just a touch of *grit*
throughout it
I can hear a mick somewhere, begin to laugh about it
Tits so firm and rounded, but it seems by schemes I'm hounded and
pounded
Ev'ry time I take a bite
Together: Well it's clear, there's something rather strange about it
I can hear the doc despair, tell us to change our diet
There's no hope for us now, just the pain and strain to somehow not
say ow
Ev'ry time we take a bite

********

If Ever I Would Leave Oz - Kareem Said and Poet
(apologies to Lerner & Loewe)

Scene: Em City. A drugged Poet stumbles out from behind the stairs,
plops himself down at a table, and looks around at the spinning room.
Said is standing outside his pod, hands on the rail, surveying his
domain.

Said: If ever I would leave Oz
It wouldn't be in summer
Staying true, my brother
I never would go
And my pardon from Devlin
Was all just a game
The longer I'm in here
Just adds to my fame

Poet: If ever I would leave Oz
It couldn't be in Autumn
Though I know I oughta
I can't seem to go

(breaks into rap)
Yo, I was there at the signing
Sellin' my new book
Dude came at me gunning
Turned me back to a crook

(music resumes)
I love Simon's hot soup
Drugs under the stairs
Recit'n in the mess hall
They stay in their chairs

Said: And could I leave Tim back in
EmCity as the boss?
Though on a wintry evening
He's more faithful than Trish Ross

If ever I would leave Oz,
How could it be in Springtime
With this lovely decor
I don't need a real mosque

Together: Oh no, not in Springtime,
Summer, Winter or Fall
No, never could we leave Oz
At all.

*********

Fifty Ways To Kill A Convict - Ryan O'Reily
(apologies to Paul Simon)

Scene: Laundry Room. Ryan and Cyril sitting on the washers. Ryan puts
his arm around Cyril's shoulders.

Ryan: Cyril, we need to talk about something. About if I ever get
sick again.
Cyril: No, Ryan! I don't want you to be sick anymore!
Ryan: Cyril, Cyril, calm down. I'm not sick. I'm just saying, if it
ever happens, I want you to be able to protect yourself.
Cyril: I can box, I'm good at boxing.
Ryan: I know, bro. But sometimes boxing isn't enough. (hops off
washer) Let me explain...

The problem in prison - if you're caught you're history
The answer is easy if you proceed carefully
I'd like to share some things that have worked well for me
There must be fifty ways to kill a convict

That said, the secret is to start another feud
A little war so that the killing will be by another dude
You can remove yourself, a relaxed air you can exude
There must be fifty ways to kill a convict, fifty ways to kill a
convict

You just bash in his head, Fred, cut off his prick, Nick
You can stab him with specs, Rex, just keep it from me
Or zap in the tub, Bub, you don't need to clean up much
Just leave him in flames, James, where no one can see

Bash in his head, Fred, cut off his prick, Nick
You can stab him with specs, Rex, you just get away clean
Zap in the tub, Bub, you don't need to clean up much
Just leave him in flames, James, where no one can see

Si said, this time from violence we must refrain
I wish there was something we could do to make Nino feel pain
I said, I'm with you on that, so let me please explain about the
fifty ways

I said, why don't we both just crush and grind this glass
He will believe, after eating, he's begun to feel some gas
And then he bled out and Si realized I probably was right
There must be fifty ways to kill a convict, fifty ways to kill a
convict

You just bash in his head, Fred, cut off his prick, Nick
You can stab him with specs, Rex, just keep it from me
Or zap in the tub, Bub, you don't need to clean up much
Just leave him in flames, James, where no one can see

Bash in his head, Fred, cut off his prick, Nick
You can stab him with specs, Rex, you just get away clean
Zap in the tub, Bub, you don't need to clean up much
Just leave him in flames, James, where no one can see

**********

Stay Up Late - Chris Keller
(apologies to Talking Heads)
Scene: Sister Pete's office. Pete looks at her watch and quickly
grabs a lint brush from her desk drawer. Just as she finishes a clean
sweep of her blouse, Chris Keller walks in.
Pete: Now, Chris, I've only agreed to see you again because I had a
long talk with Cyril, and he thought it was a good idea.
Chris: Well, thank you Sister, I'll have to buy the kid a lollipop
or somethin'.
Pete: Okay, let's get to work. Before we...(ahem)...parted ways, we
were just getting to the bottom of your relationship with Tobias.
Chris: Yeah, see, I was hoping you could help me with that...
Pete: Now wait a minute Chris, we are not playing that game again!
Chris: No, no, not like that Sister. I have been to the dark side, I
have seen God's wrath, I would never hurt you like that again. (a
wistful look passes over Keller's face, as if he's reconsidering that
last promise, but he quickly stifles it to address the task at hand)
I've been giving this a lot of thought - in fact, Beecher is all I've
been thinking about...

Vern he had a bitter Toby
The plan was, make him weep
He was just a little plaything
Why not fuck him up

Cute cute, little Toby
Let's go wrestle, let's play chess
Now he's comin' to me
From across the laundry room

{Refrain}
Toby, Toby, please let me hold him
I wanna make him stay up all night
Sister, sister, this is the real thing
I wanna make him stay up all night

Yeah I do
See him drink from a bottle
See us break all his bones
Stab, stab, both of us hurt
Then he went'n made my New Year's great

And we've had a fight, I get shot at
Little kisses on my scar
Then he lost his little babies
Did he really think I'd go that far?

{Refrain}

Yeah I do

See me pee in a bucket
See me burn off my hand
Flirt flirt, a new Toby
Mondo wanna make him stay up late

And we're having a conversation
Little smile on my face
I still love my little Toby
I just want to make him stay up late

{Refrain}

Here we go, all night long
Sister, sister, all night long
In the bedroom, woo, all night long
Little Toby goes, ha! all night long
Ah, I know you don't believe me

Ha ha ha,
Why don't we pretend
There you go, little nun
Cute cute, why not
Late at night, wake him up

{Refrain}

Here we go, ha! all night long
Sister, sister, woo, put the red beret on
Little Toby goes foo, all night long
Hey, hey, Toby, all night long
And he looks so cute, all night long
In his birthday suit, all night long

Rock on, all night long
All night long
All night long
All night long

**********

Don't Cry For Me Miguelito - Father Ray Mukada
(apologies to Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber)

Scene: Mukada's office. A newspaper sits on his desk, folded open to
a story with the headline "Escaped Prisoner Still on the Run." Mukada
is standing by his window, staring off in the distance.

Feels so uneasy, it's such a strain
Waiting by, hoping for your return
You left me here, Miguel, after all we've been through
I made you feel such
Love for your baby and grandfather too
Although they both got sick and died
At least Ricardo got to know you

And then there was the riot, full of disdain
Wouldn't stop all the beating on me
Looking out for your brothers, knowing I'd understand
Still I stood by you
When you attacked after blinding a screw
The SORT team came in from the hall
I was so protective of you

{Refrain}
Don't cry for me Miguelito
The truth is I have not left you
I see your dark eyes
Begin to smolder, I'm still there lurking
Over your shoulder

You drank your urine, were so ashamed
I smuggled some sandwiches in
But the drugs went away and you tried suicide
Then Pete intruded
Wouldn't let me be in the new program with you
Why can't she see that you are mine
It just left you confused and blue

{Refrain}

Do I care too much? It's just you know
I'm responsible for your soul
You took a part of me with you that night you chose
To escape with the Mole
{Refrain}

*********

They Can't Take That Away From Me - Simon Adebisi
(apologies to George and Ira Gershwin)

Scene: Em City. Adebisi lying on the floor, bloody, life slowly
draining away. His "spirit" rises from his body, gives a sneer to the
concerned onlookers...

The way I wear my hat
The way I suck my teeth
The stalking of the rat
Oh, no. They can't take that away from me

The way I wear my socks
The way I sing Keeennny
The way I tie up Bricks
No, no. They can't take that away from me

We may never, never meet again
On the twisted road to hell
But you'll always, always keep
These memories so well...

The way I raise one brow
The way I scratch my booty
The way I will drop trou
Oh no. They can't take that away from me

The way I fork my hair
The way I kiss O'Reily
The way my nostrils do flair
No, no. They can't take that away from me
No, they can't take that away from me

**********

Somebody Come and Play - Cyril O'Reily
(apologies to Sesame Street)

Scene: Em City. Cyril is sitting at a table, looking very sad. Ryan
is standing nearby, scheming with Keller. Hill is rolling by, but
stops when he sees Cyril.

Hill: Cyril, what's the matter?
Cyril: *Somebody* is too busy to play with me.
Ryan: Cyril, I *told* you, this is important! Isn't it time for Miss
Sally?
Cyril: *No*, it's not time for Miss Sally. (turns his chair away
from Ryan in a huff)

Somebody come and play.
*Somebody* threw my life away!
Somebody said my mind's a child's
I lost my ball
Went down the hall
But I don't want to play that way

Somebody come and play.
Somebody take bad dreams away!
*Somebody* makes me fight the fights
And bad is good
Can that be right?
But I don't want to play that way

Somebody come with me and see the horror that is Oz
Somebody come before that bad man rapes me again
Somebody come and play.
Somebody came to play today!
I just want them to be my friend,
But something bad can't be good again
No, I don't want to play that way

Somebody come and play.
*Somebody* tells me look away!
*Somebody* rocks his bed at night
And moans and groans
Until daylight
Well I *might* want to play that way

**********

(Bonus Track: I only changed one word throughout this song, so it's
not really part of the musical, but I couldn't resist, it fits so
well.)

I am Muslim, hear me roar - Kareem Said
(apologies to Ray Burton and Helen Reddy)

Scene: Em City. Adebisi lies dead on the floor. All eyes turn to
Said...

I am Muslim, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much
To go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna
Keep me down again

{Refrain}
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
I am invincible
I am Muslim

You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined
To achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened
The conviction in my soul

{Refrain}

I am Muslim watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms
Across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my
Brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to
I can face anything
I am strong
I am invincible
I am Muslim
Oh, I am Muslim
I am invincible
I am strong

END (for now ;)