Chris Keller and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

by Alexa C.

Chris Keller and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day Alexa C.
Summary: Things go wrong. Because some days are like that.

Notes: First I read Merricat's X-Files one and snorted cola through my nose. Then I read Tiriel's Gladiator one and muffled squeaks behind my hand because I was at work. Beta by Heph - over the phone, because she was kind enough to give in to my "Want to post ASAP!" fervor. Set post S3, Ep 7. With apologies to Judith Viorst. Originally Internet posted May 17, 2000.

I went to sleep and woke up to Toby screaming and when I tried to hug him and grab his dick he shoved me and told me to get my faggot hands off him and then kept me awake for the rest of the night by sniveling in a corner, so when the wake-up call sounded I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I got sent away for 88 years and when I got to Oz, Vern told me I owed him for saving my ass for himself in Lardner and Mark Mack picked a fight with me so I broke his nose.

I think I'm going to the Hole.

Beecher let me teach him to wrestle and we took some of our clothes off but as soon as things started getting hot and sweaty and interesting, he jumped up off the floor. Bonnie was a bitch and got married again, and when Beecher finally said he loved me and I kissed him, the hacks interrupted us and carried me off and I started to wonder if I'd ever get laid again.

Then Beecher got mad at me for breaking his arms and helping Vern break his legs and told me he'd never love me, even though that's what he's supposed to do to pass the test. He didn't want to talk to me or kiss me when he came back from the infirmary and he wouldn't break my arms to let me make it up to him, instead he made me risk my balls and waste an hour of my life trying to have a conversation with McManus, that cocksucker.

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I told everybody. No one even answered, because I was in protective custody.

When I ran out of skin mags and got out of protective custody, Beecher still wouldn't let me kiss him, so I agreed to help him kill Vern's son for revenge, but he punched me in the face and after Andy was dead he decided he wanted to live with Said instead of letting me move back in. Now I'll have to find the time and the connections to have Said killed, and then I'll owe Ryan O'Reilly a favor.

Ryan has really cool wife-beaters and Alvarez has his woobie and his grape suckers and Adebisi has a hat that he has to velcro on his head to keep it from falling off, but someone visiting the set snuck into wardrobe and stole my chest-hugging shirt that shows off my nipples because they wanted a souvenir with my sweat on it. I had to borrow Beecher's nasty green T-shirt, and I had to steal it from him behind his back when he went to take a shower because that's the only time he ever takes it off.

Alvarez gets to work in the infirmary and steal 'scrips - or he did before he went nuts and poked out a hack's eyes - and Ryan gets to run the kitchen and feed people ground glass, and Vern gets to work in the mailroom where he can bust people for getting brass knuckles and deliver teapots to the only woman locked up in Oz, but I got stuck in a closet shelving copy paper where people can sneak up on me and stab me in the enclosed space.

I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I could tell because Beecher said I wasn't his best friend anymore. He said that Sister Pete was his best friend and that Ryan O'Reilly was his second best friend and that I wasn't even his third best friend. He said he didn't even hate me the most because he hated Vern the most. Then he stabbed me.

I hope your new podmate dies, I said to Beecher. I hope your best friend falls in love with me and you have a bad trip from Ryan's smack and put out someone's eye and get put in the Hole.

Said's leaky girlfriend came to see him, and Miss Sally sent The Mole a letter, and Ryan scrubbed off his tattoo and got to go to the infirmary and see Dr. Nathan, and Cramer and Anthony were kissing in the hall. Guess who didn't get to spend any time with his boyfriend?

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

That's what it was, because I went to see Sister Pete and I made her want me but she made me admit I'm a piece of shit. Come back next week and we'll talk some more about YOU, said Sister Pete.

Next week, I said, I'm going to be in the Hole.

Beecher said he forgave me but he still wouldn't kiss me, and then he tried to be nice to Vern instead of being nice to me. And then Vern stabbed my boyfriend so I had to stab Vern and the hacks hit me and took away my shank and threw me into solitary with blood all over me so I ruined another shirt.

It's been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Beecher says some days are like that.

Even in the Hole.

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