I miss Ryan. He stopped coming to see me when I was still in the hospital. Shannon said he did something stupid and was going to prison soon. She's mad at him. I miss him so much, I cry sometimes. But I'm not mad at him. I know that sometimes he does stuff he doesn't mean to do.

The doctors at the hospital gave me a lot of tests. They put wires on my head and showed me pictures and asked me what the pictures were, and then wrote down a lot of stuff on a paper called my chart. I know that's what it was, 'cause one day Shannon wanted to look at it and they wouldn't let her and she said, "It's his chart, asshole, don't tell me I can't look at it." They let her look at it.

I'm living with Shannon now. She said it's because Ryan is gone and she needs someone to be with her so she's not scared. I thought it was a joke and I laughed. Shannon isn't afraid of anyone, not even Ryan. Not even me, and I'm strong. I remember one time when I was mad at her for something, and I was yelling at her, really loud. She didn't care, she just threw her drink in my face and told me to get the fuck out of her house. I don't like to think about that time. I can remember things that happened, but I don't know why they happened. Like why would I be yelling at Shannon? Something about Ryan, but I'm not sure.

Things are so different now. I know I'm different, I know that I'm not smart anymore and that I don't understand things that I used to. People look at me funny. I try to talk to them, but usually they leave.

One day I walked down to the corner where me and Ryan used to always hang out when we were kids, and sometimes when we were grown-up. Mickey and David were there. They used to work with me and Ryan. They were part of the gang. He would tell them what to do and if they didn't listen I would get mad at them and then they would do it. But I don't want to get mad at people anymore. Mickey and David talked to me for a minute but then they kept looking at each other and looking at the ground and then they said they had to be somewhere and they left me alone on the corner. And then I got scared. Because I couldn't remember how to get home. And I got mad 'cause I used to walk to that corner all the time, even at night, and I would know where I was going and I wouldn't be scared. But now I was. So I went into Dilley's Market and bought a bottle of whiskey like me and Ryan used to always drink and I sat at a little table out front and drank until I remembered where Ryan's apartment was.

Another day I was walking around and I saw Sheila. I got scared again because Sheila and I used to do bad things together. I didn't know they were bad, but Shannon told me they were. She caught me looking at pictures of naked girls in a magazine and she grabbed it and threw it away and told me I better just forget about girls now. I wasn't supposed to touch them or think about them like that anymore. I got so confused and wanted to talk to Ryan and then I started crying. Shannon hugged me and said she wasn't mad at me but things are different now and I should just stay away from girls, 'cause the only ones Ryan and I know are trash anyhow and they would take advantage of me.

So when I saw Sheila I tried to get away but she saw me and called me. I turned around and she came up to me and started talking. And I felt good, 'cause I was lonely and even if we couldn't do the bad thing anymore, maybe she would be my friend. But after a minute she stopped talking and looked at me kind of funny, just like everyone else does. And I knew she wouldn't be my friend. She said, "You really are retarded, aren't you?" and I got so mad and yelled at her that I wasn't retarded and I wasn't supposed to talk to her anyhow because she was trash. Her eyes got big and she slapped me and ran off crying. I felt bad. I wish I could be like I used to.

Shannon told me to give people a chance, to just let them get used to me the way I am now. The gang will still be there for me, they just need time.

Me and Ryan used to be in charge of the gang. Ryan would always say, "I'm the boss, Cyril, but I'd be shit without you." So I guess I'm shit without him.

Shannon stopped giving me money because I buy whiskey with it. I feel better when I'm drinking. After we'd been in a fight or if Ryan was mad at Shannon, he'd say, "C'mon, little brother, let's go get numb." And then we'd go to Dilley's and buy a bottle or go to Mike's Bar and Grill, home of the best corned beef on the East coast, that's what the sign in the window says, and we'd get drunk with all our friends or sometimes just us.

But Joe, the guy who owns Dilley's, still gives me a bottle sometime. He says he owes me. Me and Ryan and the gang used to make sure no one stole from Joe, so I guess that's what he owes me for. I asked him how come he doesn't call his store Joe's and he says Dilley's has more something - I can't think of the word.

Mike will let me come into the bar sometime and give me a sandwich and beer. He says he likes to see me sitting in our usual booth, though it's weird without Ryan.

Joe and Mike make me feel good. They don't care if I'm slow. Maybe Shannon's right. But most people still act funny around me and I'm tired of waiting for them to get used to me like I am now.

I'm going to Mike's Bar and Grill right now. Shannon will be mad when she comes home and I'm gone. I'm not supposed to go out after dark and I'm not supposed to go places that you can drink at. But I'm going anyhow. I saw my dad this morning when I was taking a walk. I was happy to see him but he wasn't happy to see me. He's not like Mike and Joe. He said Ryan was where he deserved to be and I was never no genius anyhow. He made me feel bad. So I'm going to go ask Mike if I can have some beer. I feel better when I'm numb.

Chase destruction of your own emotions
And your need for love, makes you easy prey Safety of the rubber glove seems much too simple Climbing up and down, waiting for the day

You can't see if i'm not listening
You can't hear with my eyes open
I can hate with my eyes open
I feel better when i'm numb

Chase distraction of your own existance Keep it clean, clean enough to stab
Lick your own wounds, anxious for the next one Cry for more pain, heal what you have

You can't see if i'm not listening
You can't hear with my eyes open
I can't hate with my eyes open
I feel better when i'm numb

Just another hit for the one you love
If you cared at all, you'd put me down
Wake up dead man, can't you see i'm starving'

You can't see if i'm not listening
You can't hear with my eyes open
I can't hate with my eyes open
I feel better when i'm numb
I feel better
I feel better when i'm numb