Fic: Boys Don't Cry
Author: Rifka
Posted to: TSXF and TS
Subject: This takes place right after Chris Keller finds Toby Beecher in the gym, you remember after Toby's parole was somehow screwed up and they had a little... talk. The episode was 'A Day in the Death', Season 6.

Notes: I was going to post this to the Lyric Wheel but it just wasn't long enough, it just seemed to end where it did. It's not really a fic or a ficlet just some reflections from the guys. Lyrics at the end provided by Ravyn.

Toby's Version

Toby exited the gym and headed straight for the showers after working out. Damn it all! He hadn't anticipated Chris Keller finding him today, especially in the gym. Up until now he'd been able to elude him, he thought he had all the situations, like meals and the gym timed just right but he knew sooner or later Chris would sniff him out. After walking into the shower and adjusting the water to a comfortable temperature he stepped under it along with doing one of the worst things he could possibly do, he starting thinking and had a little chat with himself all alone inside his head.

As Toby showered he pictured Chris standing in front of him with that smug Keller look that only he could wear so well and it just pissed Toby off even more. 'Jesus H. Christ! I did NOT want to see you or talk to you in the gym or anywhere else for that matter. Fuck, I couldn't even look you in the eye. Why? Because you're a mother fuckin' bastard and I was hiding the tears in my eyes. I might have said too much as usual, been too unkind but you deserved it. You have no idea what you've done to me... just look what you did to me! I'm back in this goddamned prison again! You fucked up my parole-a chance at having a normal life with my family again just like you promised me.'

'I wonder ... did Vern tell you to do it? Did he have some drug connections on the outside to set me up? Even though he stays away from drugs, he must have known someone who could do it. I keep asking myself why would you do this? And why the fuck would you bring Bonnie into this mess ... I don't know what to call it... this scheme of yours? I thought you loved her and you talked about her so pathetically, the poor woman was dying of ovarian cancer or was she in on it too? Does she still unconditionally love you even though she married someone else or did you lie about that? And I never even met the bitch. I felt sorry for her I really did or I never would have done it. Fuck. Fuck you Keller. Fuck you to hell! I wish you would just drop dead!'

Toby took in some deep breaths as he felt the bile coming up in his throat. He held his head back and rinsed his mouth out with water then shampooed his hair, momentarily allowing himself to enjoy the relaxing feeling that massaging and shampooing his head gave him. It didn't last long. He heard two other men enter the shower room temporarily distracting him as one of them started to shave and the other stayed as far away from Toby as he could while cleaning himself up; shit, they'd heard all about that crazy dick biting Beecher and fuck they were naked, they had to clean up and get out of there fast.

'And while I'm on the subject asswipe, did you even think what this would do to my children? My poor babies! That's something that you'll never know about. You see you fuck... from the day they're born there's an indescribable bond that just can't be explained. And there's this incredible love you feel for them. But the only love you know is selfish and cruel. I wish we'd just ended it when you left for Cedar Junction. You could continue feeling like you were the big hero, sacrificing yourself just like that fucking tat on your arm. Tell me, what did it feel like when you nailed yourself to the cross? You did all that for yourself not for me so I could be with my family like you promised. Then you have the balls to act like a wounded puppy. What the fuck is wrong with you? What did I ever do to you? Oh yeah! I forgot... Shemin and Brown, you never forgave me for that did you?'

Toby continued bathing then he leaned in to the tiled wall while supporting himself with his hands. His head rested in between his hands as the hot water hit the back of his neck but it just didn't relax the tight muscles like he hoped it would.

'How the fuck am I supposed to get you out of my system? Tell me Keller how do I stop loving you in spite of knowing exactly who you are and what you are? You're no good for me anymore, I can't trust you, I never should have tried. You've turned into such an evil person or maybe I just never saw it before or didn't want to believe it. It was staring me in the face all along and I just didn't fuckin' see it.'

~~

Chris's Version

After leaving Toby in the gym knowing that all the other scumbags in there heard everything that was said, Chris walked back to his cell in Unit B. He wore his mask as usual, no one could see how torn up he was inside, nor could they see that his heart was slowly shriveling. Chris started thinking that their conversation didn't go exactly the way he had planned it out in his head. Now he sensed a little dizziness and his chest felt tight; he was feeling overwhelmed with different emotions. He had to lie down and focus on the essence of his life, the only reason he had for living.

He laid on his back with his hands on his abdomen his fingers steepled except for his thumbs, they were duking it out.

'I think I took you for granted and pushed you too far this time, Toby. I think I really fucked up what we had. If I thought that it would change your mind, I would say I'm sorry but I don't think sorry's going to cut it this time. Hell, you know I did it, I know you know that. I had to lie and say I didn't set you up, what else could I do? I need you so much and I thought that you needed me more than what you apparently do or don't, fuck I don't know, I can't think anymore. I've got this empty feeling in my gut like... I don't know how to describe it. What the hell am I going to do if you won't have anything to do with me?'

He could hear some of the other inmates talking outside his cell but he had no interest in eavesdropping at least not right now. He still had a problem to solve and the dilemma was twofold.

'You still need protection. You're smart but not that smart, pal. There's still Schillinger to think about and the rest of the fucking Aryan's, you're not safe in here, who's going to watch your back? I've got to think of something. Shit, I would do almost anything to protect you. I know you know that. I also know that Schillinger's glad you're back, he was really pissed that you got paroled. And all those interaction meetings with Sister Pete he was just pulling your chain, he didn't tell the truth in there, he doesn't give a fuck about not hurting your family. He'd like to see them all dead. Especially Holly.'

'Maybe I could somehow get on his good side again. Make him think we're... friends? Robson will be gone soon I hear he's got AIDS and I got rid of what's his face that chubby fuck who killed your dad? Winthrop. I even gave him the kiss of death just like I always do before I whack them, that's what I did to Ronnie, did you know that? I'd even become butt buddies with Vern again if I thought I could protect you, if you'd somehow love me again. Speaking of the devil, what the fuck?...he's walking in here right now.'

Chris felt like puking after he spoke with Schillinger and wanted to wash up after shaking hands with him.

'Well, that was a nice sprint down memory lane. He said he wanted to be friends again, no cocksucking this time, just two guys looking out for each other. He even remembered when I was 17 and at Lardner with him. Want a good laugh Toby? He said he remembered how I strutted into the cellblock and called me a tough little motherfucker. The good part of all of this is that I didn't have to ask him, he asked me. I gotta tell you Toby, my life with you flashed before my eyes; the laundry room kiss, the New Year's Eve kiss and some of the other shit that happened between us. I loved you then and I love you now. But now I can protect you because I'll know everything he's got planned ahead of time. I know I can prove to you how much I love and need you. I know I can, you'll see.'

Boys Don't Cry by The Cure (1980)
I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind But I know that this time
I've said too much
Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry