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I do not own the characters and I'm making no profit from this. Forgive my mistakes, but English is not my mother language.

An Ordinary Afternoon of Madness

by Arashi

Em City, afternoon. Inmates are watching tv, seemingly very bored. Some of them are asleep on their chairs.

Alvarez (yawning): I'm so tired...

O'Reilly (looking at him): Yeah...those documentaries are so boring...I don't give a shit about syberian tigers...

Beecher and Keller entering, fighting.

Beecher (angry):It's all your fault!!!

Keller :Toby, please, listen...

Busmalis (watching towards them with a huge smile): Look, Bob!They're fighting again!

Rebadow: Yeah, I see. I'm wondering what's up this time!

O'Reilly (smiling and patting Alvarez on the shoulder): Great!They're fighting again!They are better than a soap opera!!!

Alvarez (taking a piece of paper): Ok!I'll bet on Beecher!

Busmalis and O'Reilly: Me too!!!(Alvarez writes their name on the paper)

Rebadow (thoughtfully): Uhm...I'm gonna bet on Keller, instead!

O'Reilly (with a smug smile): Come on Bob!You know Beecher will win again!

Rebadow (stubbornly): No, I've decided to bet on Keller!I feel this time he'll win!

Alvarez (sarcastically): Yeah, sure...

Busmalis:Ok Bob...if you lose you'll make our laundry for a mounth!

Rebadow (smiling):Ok...but I'll win!

Robson (coming near):Hey!I wanna bet too!On Beecher, obviously!

Rebadow (rolls his eyes):...

Busmalis:Ehy guys!I've brought popcorns!!!


Schilliger (seems very interested on what's happening between Beecher and Keller):...

Beecher (pointing a finger towards Keller, angry): I know it's your fault!!!

Keller (exasperated): Come on Toby!Why do you think I've stolen your encyclopedia's books?I'm not interested in them!I didn't even know you were hiding thirty volumes under your mattress!!!

O'Reilly: Now I understand the reason for Beecher always knew quiz shows' answers!!!He was cheating!

Beecher (isterically): You stole them to make me angry!And only you could enter our pod!!!I can't trust you!!!Mother was right!(sighs)

Keller (looking very depressed): I don't know where your encyclopedia is!And of course you can trust me!I thought I already proved you that!

Beecher: No!!!It's always your fault!!!I hate you!(sniffs)

Keller (without words...his eyes full of tears): Honey...please...

Beecher(isterically):I wanna change podmate!!!

Rebadow (pityfull): Poor Keller!

Shillinger (seems very anxious, like he's having an internal fight...eventually he stands up and comes near Keller and Beecher): Ok Beecher, stop that!I stole your encyclopedia!

Beecher (smiling smugly): Come on!And am I supposed to believe you?I know you didn't do that!

Schillinger (surprised): Ehm...of course I did!

Beecher (annoyed):Yeah?And what was the reason?

Schillinger (confused): Ehm...maybe that I hate you?

Keller: Yeah, sure Toby!Vern hates you!

Beecher: Shut up Chris!(To Schillinger) Come on Vern, I know you don't hate me!I don't understand why you're protecting Chris.

Keller (his jaw falls down on the ground):...But...I'm truly innocent!(Starts crying and sobbing)

Rebadow (stands up, comes near Keller and gives him a handkerchief): Poor guy!(pats him on the shoulders)

Keller: Buuuuuuuuuhhhhh, I'm so unhappy!!!Buuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh!!!

Schillinger (annoyed): Of course I hate you Beecher!After all I killed you son, your father...I tried to kill you!

Beecher (pityfull): I know you had a hard childhood, Vern!

Schillinger (is speechless):...

Keller (sobbing): My childhood was hard too, but you don't care about it!!!Buuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh!!!

Beecher(annoyed):I don't believe you!You're a liar!


Rebadow:Come on, sonnyboy, don't cry!

Alvarez and O'Reilly(eating popcorns): That's great!!! Very interesting!

Keller: Nobody loves me!!!

Schillinger (his voice trembling):Ehm...I do!

Everybody (shocked):What???

Schillinger (blushing): Ehm...yes Chris!I love you!I did from the first time I saw you in Lardner!

O'Reilly, shocked, starts coughing. Alvarez pats him on the back.

O'Reilly (with eyes full of tears):...thanks Miguel, I thought I was dying!

Keller (stops crying):Are you crazy?You were abusing me when we were in Lardner!

Schillinger (his face purple):I knew I wasn't your kind of guy...so that was the only way to be with you!(falls on his knees and takes Keller's hands)Forgive me!!!Also Operation Toby was just a pretext to be near you!!!

Keller (shocked and disgusted): Leave my hands!!!

Schillinger:Please, don't be so cruel with me honey!

Busmalis (baffled):Honey?

Alvarez and O'Reilly:Bwahbwahbwah!!!(eating popcorns)It's better than a comedy movie!!!

Robson(thoughtfully): I suppose we need a new boss now...(sighs)

Beecher (smugly):I've understood everything now!You knew Vern was in love with you and you convinced him to steal my encyclopedia, Chris!You're a manipulative bastard!I hate you!(Towards Schillinger, smiling)I forgive you, Vern!

O'Reilly:He didn't understand nothing...

Busmalis:Yeah...as usual...

Keller (starts crying again):I wanna die!!! (covers his face with his hands)

Schillinger (angry, towards Beecher): Stop treating him like shit!

Beecher:Come on Vern, you don't have to protect him!He's only using you!

Keller(sniffs):I'm not using anyone!!!

Schillinger (ignoring Beecher):Chris, please!Come in my pod!Leave this heartless bitch!

Keller (annoyed):Are you kidding?Moving with you?No way!

Beecher (eyes full of scorn): You are so cruel Chris!Treating an old man like that!

Schillinger:I'm not an old man!!!(jumps on Beecher)I'll kill you, bitch!!!

O'Reilly (curious and amused):How this stuff will end?

Alvarez (smugly):Obviously Keller will stay with Beecher...

Rebadow:I'm not so sure...

O'Reilly and Busmalis:I'll bet on Beecher!

Robson:I'll bet on Vern!

Alvarez:What about you, Bob?

Rebadow:Don't know...I think something is going to happen...

O'Reilly(skeptically):Yeah, sure...

While our heros are fighiting, betting and crying, a cute and tall man around his 40s enters Em City with a lost expression on his face.

The Tall and Cute Man(shyly):Ehm...excuse me gentlemen, I'm looking for pod... (looks at a piece of paper in his hand) number five!

Schillinger (roughly):What do you want from us???Did you read "Reception" here???We're busy men!Go away!

Beecher:Yeah, go away!

The Tall and Cute Man:Ehm...I'm sorry...but nobody wants to talk to me here because I'm an ex cop...(sniffs)

Robson(standing up and coming near):Oh, I've heard about you!You look so cute and helpless...maybe you could be my prag!(puts an arm around the nameless man's shoulder)

The Tall and Cute Man:Ok, I'm cute...but I'm not so helpless!(bangs Robson's head against the wall)See?(smiles)

Robson(massaging his head):I don't feel so good...

Alvarez(surprised):Wow!The whole stuff now is more complicated!

Rebadow:I bet on the Tall and Cute Man!

Alvarez:Ok, Bob!(writes Rebadow's name on the paper)

Schilliger (pulling Beecher's hair):You dont' deserve Chris!!!

Beecher(trying to get free):Come on Vern!Chris doesn't deserve you!You are better than him.

Keller(sitting on the ground and wiping his tears with Rebadow's handkerchief): Nobody wants me (sniffs). It should have been better if I'd never born!(sniffs)

The Tall and Cute Man (coming near Keller and smiling softly):Come on!Don't cry!Everybody has a reason to live!

Keller (looking at him, hopefully):Do you really think that?

The Tall and Cute Man (smiling):Sure...(doubtfully) Ehm...at least that's what my Zen Books said...

Keller:But I'm a serial killer!

The Tall and Cute Man: Really?What a coincidence! I'm here because I killed a serial killer...(thoughtfully) There's a connection between us, I'd say.(holding out his hand) Tim Bayliss!Pleased to meet you!

Keller (standing up and shaking Bayliss' hand):Chris Keller. You know what?My lover...well...ex lover I suppose...has your initials...T and B...

Bayliss (surprised):It seems there's a connection between us...I'm wondering what my Zen Books would say about that...

Busmalis: Uh...looks like Keller has a new friend!

Keller(smiling seductively to Bayliss):You are very cute, you know that?You think stars wanted our meeting?

Bayliss(smiling shyly):Maybe...You're cute too...(blushing) and I like your tattoo!(touchs it with a finger)

Keller (in a low voice, putting an arm on Bayliss' shoulders):Maybe I can show you your pod...and then my other tattoo...(blinks at him)

Bayliss (smiling, with puppy eyes)It would be very nice of you...

Alvarez(shocked):I can't believe what I'm seeing!

Rebadow(smiling proudly):Keller regenerates quickly! Give me your money!I won!

O'Reilly(disappointed):Yeah, you did...

Beecher and Schillinger (stop fighting and see what's happening):Ehi!Chris, where are you going???

Keller(smiling):I'll show Tim his pod...(to Bayliss, in a sexy voice)And maybe I could ask McManus to let me be your new podmate!

Bayliss(in a low voice):Yes, I think you could...

Beecher (shocked):But...you can't go with him, Chris!You love me!ME!

Keller(annoyed):I don't love you anymore!You're too hysterical!Worse than my three wives together!You made my hair white!

Schillinger(looking depressed):You can't go with him!You're not cute together!He's taller than you!

Keller (smiling romantically to Bayliss):I love tall guys!So, honey...let's go!!!

O'Reilly:That's disgusting!

Bayliss:Yeah, let's go!(exeunt, hand in hand)

Schillinger(furious, towards Beecher):It's all your fault, bitch!!!

Beecher(ignoring Schillinger):Chris!!!Honey!I was only kidding!I love you!I don't give a shit about my encyclopedia!Please, come back!!!(pursues Keller and Bayliss)

Schillinger:No way!I won't let you be Chris' lover again!(pursues Beecher)

O'Reilly(disappointed):I think that's all, folks!

Busmalis(sadly):Uh...what a pity!It was a good show, but too short!

Rebadow(smiling smugly):Come on, guys!Don't worry!I've got the feeling tomorrow they will fight again!

Alvarez(sitting again in front of the tv):Let's hope so!Life in Em City is always so boring!(yawns)

The End

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