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Written for chris_baby. Unbeta'd.
Hopefully Sane
by ralu
There are things Chris doesn't get, things Chris doesn't give much of a shit about.
And there are things Chris doesn't *want* to get; things Chris pretends he doesn't give a shit about.
Or maybe all things Chris doesn't understand, all things he doesn't care about are simply useless. Unimportant.
Just a question of choice, probably.
Just a thing of perception.
Where you stand, in the midst of things.
***
Kitty's getting married. Again.
That makes two of them, Kitty and already married and pregnant Bonnie. And Angelique ain't that far behind either.
What Chris doesn't understand is why they feel the need, the motherfucking URGE to come and tell *him* all about it.
Is it to spite him? Is it because they somehow think Chris gives a shit? Is is because they think they've got a bound, some kinda connection, just 'cause they (fucked) married (fucked) each other? Or maybe they just don't have anyone else to tell it to...
It gets to him. He may like to think it doesn't, but it does.
"Third time she's getting married?!"
Beecher's sitting across from him at the same table in Em City - a strategic position, Keller can place a bet on it. Rebadow on his left, Busmalis on his right; he can't even stretch his goddamn leg to bump his boot into Beecher's.
"When you married these women, did you unconsciously looked forward to marrying yourself?" he adds, snickering just a little, and Chris just wants to reach over, grab the back of Toby's neck and smash his face on the table.
Instead, he just stares at him and replies, soft and cool as a cat:
"Nah...just look at you."
It would probably be fun. Funny. Too fuckin' funny.
But it ain't.
Circumstances and perceptions.
It's all it is.
Besides, Beecher don't get it anyway.
***
There are things Chris would lie about anytime, anywhere. Wake him up in the middle of the night, ask him, and he would lie. As simple as breathing.
There are things Chris doesn't even realize anymore he's lying about.
There are things Chris doesn't even know if they're real or false anymore.
Memory and perception - the same.
One thing he's got.
One thing he can't let go of, even if he may want to.
Which...(he doesn't.)
Why would he?
***
"Shit happens," he says, and he knows Sister Pete thinks he's lying. But he ain't. Not really.
It would be easier if he were lying. For her, anyway. She likes to think that deep inside, people are good, if not decent. She likes to think the daily morons who come to see her actually have some *respect* for her or something.
And he does respect her. Of course, lying ain't exactly a token of respect, is it?
But he's not. Lying.
(Is he?)
"Shit happens," and he knows Bonnie doesn't believe him.
"Shit happens," and Toby squints back at him. And then looks away.
And it does.
(Hurt.)
He knows it shouldn't, 'cause he's lying.
But it hurts.
'Cause he's telling the truth.
"I swear," he tells Bonnie.
"I swear," he tells Pete.
"I swear," he tells Toby.
"I swear," he growls in Byam Lewis' ear, leaning in closer.
And for a tiny moment, the hurting stops, pouring out of his body.
(Blood.)
His whole fuckin' life shrieks and curls under his fingertips, like burning paper.
(I love you, Toby.)
Leaving him hanging on the outside. Waiting.
(Hoping.)
As always.
Slowly vacuuming his own mind.
Shit happens.
"That's your answer for everything, isn't it, Chris?" Bonnie says, resting her weight on the side of the couch.
And Chris just shrugs.
Truth or lies, can you tell the difference?
Do you even want to?
Truths and lies - it's all the same.
***
There are things Chris doesn't understand, things Chris doesn't care about. There are things Chris would lie about, and things he wouldn't; things he doesn't.
There are things Chris doesn't feel, things Chris doesn't do.
There's gotta be a limit in everything, right?
Wrong.
Just a question of perception and circumstances.
A question of where you are.
Who you are.
But still...
---the end---
Please send feedback to ralu.
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