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I do not own the characters and I'm making no profit from this. Obviously this fic is just a joke, I love Tom Fontana and his characters.

The Ozzies Revenge

by Arashi

The curtain rises

Scene: Evening, Tom Fontana's office. The Man is sitting at his desk, writing on a notebook. A young woman, his secretary, enters the room.

Sarah: Mr Fontana, if you don't need me anymore... aren't you ever going to use the computer? I guess you're going to continue to ignore me on that subject. (sighs) I'm leaving for the night, ok?

TF: Yeah, you can go Sarah. I'm almost done. (He smiles) I'm writing the script for a new sit-com!

Sarah: Really?That's great boss!

TF: Yes, it is!The story will be very funny, but in the end...all the main characters will die!Isn't it a good idea?(bursts into evil laughter)

Sarah (pale and worried): Ehm...I don't know, boss... The viewers might be pretty shocked!!

TF(with a wicked grin): Yeah!I like to shock my audience!And I love to kill the fans favorites!!!(smiles like an happy child)

Sarah(smiling nervously): I know your tastes, boss...but a sit-com can't end with all the main characters dead!Can you imagine "Friends" ending like that?

TF (annoyed):Is there any law against bad endings for a sit-com?

Sarah (shocked): Ehm...No, I think no!

TF: Good!So shut up and go home!

Sarah: (sighs) Ok boss!See you tomorrow!(speaking to herself) He's a sadistic fuck!(exit)

Tom Fontana continues to write on his notebook. After a while there's a knock at the door.

TF (going on with his writing):The door's open, it's always open, come on in!

Keller, Beecher, Schillinger, Alvarez and Cyril O'Reilly enter the room.

TF (looking at them, shocked): Uh?How could this be possible?You're not real!

Keller (with an evil smile): No?We're not real?Touch us and find out if we're real or not!

TF: (stands up, comes near Keller and touches his tat with a finger) Uhm...you seems pretty real...(looks at the other men, worried). What are you doing here?

Cyril (looking at him, threatening): Well, we decided to come here to thank our Daddy for being so good to us!

Alvarez (angry): Who's our Daddy?!

Beecher: He's not our Daddy, Cyril...(thoughtful) well, maybe...metaphorically speaking...

TF (worried): Good to you?Ehm...I don't think...

Schillinger (coming closer and smiling): Well, Cyril was only kidding! You were brutal!You made us suffer long and hard!

Keller: Hard?

Schillinger (glaring at Keller): And so now we are here to make you suffer long and hard too!(pats TF on the shoulder and makes an evil smile)

TF (trembling): Ehm...but I didn't intend to make you suffer! You weren't meant to be real!!!

Alvarez: But we are real...and so are our feelings...and you had a lot of fun at our expense! You're a sadistic fuck Fontana!...and we want our revenge, Now! And we're only a small delegation, a lot of characters are waiting for you!

TF (stammering): A...a lot of characters?

Alvarez(smiling): Yeah, you know, Hill, Glynn, Cloutier, Shirley Bellinger, Robson, Said, Adebisi, Schibetta father, Schibetta son...

Beecher:...my dead wife, my dead son, my dead father...

Schillinger:...my dead sons...

Cyril:...Preston Nathan...

Alvarez:The list is pretty long! And don't forget my son!!!

TF (turning pale): Oh, my God!

Keller (pushing roughly TF on the chair): You are one sorry son of a bitch! (with eyes misty) After the end of the fourth season I thought I would be a good guy...but in the end you made me act like a shit again!You, bastard!(starts crying like a kid)

TF (without speaking, his mouth open):...

Beecher (coming near Keller and hugging him): Don't cry, baby! (to TF)You, monster!After all the troubles Chris and I went through in the end you made me act like a heartless bitch and we fought again! And you made Chris die, I didn't do it. (starts crying and hugs Keller thighter)

Keller (taking Beecher's hands and looking him in the eyes): Oh, baby!I'm so sorry!

Beecher (softly): It's not your fault, honey!

TF (worried): Ehm...I'm sorry...but I thought a tragic ending was a good idea for your relationship!

Beecher and Keller:Shut up, you, monster!


Alvarez (taking Tom by the shoulder): And what about me???In the end you turned me into a fag!I'm not fag!

Cyril: And you killed me!I had the mind of a child, but you let me die!

Schillinger: And you made me die like an idiot!I was the best of the worst in OZ!But I died like an idiot, killed by that fag(points at Beecher).

Beecher (angry): Ehi, I'm not fag!

Schillinger (ironically):Yeah, sure!

Beecher (coming closer, angry): If I'm fag, you are fag too!You had too much fun fucking all the nicest guys in OZ!And I know you have a crush on Chris!

Schillinger (shocked): What?Are you crazy?Everybody knows I hate him!

Beecher (with a smug smile): I'm not crazy!If you are not in love with Chris, why didn't you kill him when he told McManus you broke my arms?

Cyril (reading from the script of "Legs"): "Me? Well, I'll admit metaphorically it fits. He stabbed me in the back, so I stabbed him. But I didn't. I wish to Christ I had. Course, if it'd been me, you'd be dead. "So Vern...why didn't you kill him?

Schillinger (embarassed): Ehm...well...

Beecher: And why did you ask Chris to help you kill me in the sixth season?You knew he was crazy in love with me, how could you think he was by your side? And then you let him kiss you!

Cyril (reading from the script of "A day in the death"): "Keller: I'll survive. Schillinger: I know you will. You always do. I remember when we first served time together back in Lardner. Christ, you were-what, 17? You came walking into that cell block, strutting, really. I said, "There is one tough little motherfucker"." Oh, what a sweet memory!And then..." I didn't love you, either. But you gotta admit, what we had was more then nothing. " It sounds a little bit ambiguous, Vern!

Schillinger (blushing): Ehm...

Beecher (smiling): See?You are in love with him!But Chris loves only me, right honey?

Keller (hugging him): Sure!I've eyes only for you baby!(they kiss)

Schillinger(angry, to TF): This is all your fault, bastard!I'll kill you!I'm not fag!

Beecher (smugly): Repressed homosexual, I've always known it!

TF (terrified): No, Vern, please!I didn't intend to humiliate you!

Alvarez(skeptical): Didn't you?

TF (hesitating): Well...maybe...a little bit...

Schillinger:You are dead! (Cyril tries to hold him back while TF hides behind the desk)

Cyril:Vern you can't kill him. We' ve already talked about this!

Schillinger (winding down): Yeah, ok!I'm ok...let me go!

TF(hopefully):Ehm... so you don't want to kill me?

Keller(smiling): No, we have a better idea. We want to re-educate you!

TF(worried):Re-educate me?

Beecher:Yeah!We'll show you how good a happy ending can be!And how good is when an author respects his characters!

TF(disgusted): Happy ending?I don't like happy endings!

Alvarez(annoyed):Yeah, we know it!But we'll make you change your mind!

TF(with a smug smile):That's a stupid idea!I will never change my mind!

Keller:Are you sure?We'll force you to watch a lot of nice and sweet movies that will help you to change idea!

TF(shocked):Do you intend to brain-wash me?

Beecher:Yeah, Daddy!I've always said "A Clockwork Orange" was an instructive movie!

Keller (looking him romantically in the eyes):You are so smart baby! I love you!

Beecher:I love you too!(they kiss passionately)

Vern:That's disgusting!Stop it!

Alvarez:Yeah, that's not the right moment!

Beecher and Keller:Sorry!

TF(scared): Please!Have mercy!I swear I'll never do it again!I'll be a good boy!

All together:Too late!

Keller:Come on, let's take him away!A lot of movies are waiting for him!(puts a pair of glasses on his nose and starts reading from a piece of paper)Let's see what we have...All the Shirley Temple's movies...

TF (while Cyril is pushing him towards the door):Noooooooo!!!Not Shirley Temple, please!!!

Keller(ignoring him):...all the Walt Disney's movies...

TF:Please, don't!!!I hate Walt Disney!!!(Alvarez, Schillinger and Cyril take him away)

Beecher:Chris, he's gone.

Keller:Yeah...(taking the glasses off his nose and looking at the desk) He's left his notebook here ...what can we do with it?

Beecher (smiling smugly):He was writing a sit-com script...with a bad ending!We can turn it into a very happy ending!

Keller (looking at him with a seductive smile):Have I ever told you how sexy and smart you are?

Beecher:Yeah, but feel free to tell me again...

Keller (smiling and pushing Beecher against the desk):Uhm...Have we ever done it on a desk?

Beecher(smiling a teasing smile):No, but there's a first time for everything.

Keller:Uhm...and the sit-com script?

Beecher:(seductively)I think it can wait! (they start kissing)

The curtain drops
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