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WARNING: This story contains snark, crack, intentional badfic, more crack, extensive stereotypical characterization, in-jokes, cussing, and implied slash. Hysterical beta by colleendetroit. Thanks. I think. *g* Also, although it takes place in Oz, I've thrown timelines out the window.
"Remind me again how we got into this situation?" Toby demanded.
"Short version or-" Chris rubbed his crotch. "Long one?"
True to his nature, Toby rolled his eyes in an extremely cute way. "Chriissss..." he whined; the tone of his voice was markedly high-pitched and would have been annoying coming from anyone but him.
Chris smiled his trademark grin that belied his muscular brawn and hinted at the deep well of intelligence inside his brain. His expression predatory and knowing, he turned his steely laser gaze onto Toby's upturned face. Leaning forward, Chris kissed the tip of Toby's adorable ski jump nose. "Well, it happened like this..."
"I'm not following you... Dr. Nathan, when I started these in this `nearly too sci-fi to be believed aging pill' treatments, there was never any indication that something like this could be one of the side effects..." Toby was worried. His lips pooched out and he scrunched up his forehead, as though contorting his face would help him to understand what was going on. The check-up was not going the way that he thought it would.
"Now, Beecher, I realize this is probably somewhat of a shock to you, but believe me, when Weigert Corporation hears about it, there will be some enormous ramifications. On the other hand, the drug company may be able to use this type of breakthrough research in helping out other childless couples in the future. You are going to be in the history books! And as your physician, I could be there with you... This could be my ticket out of here... Wait, do I really want to go? Why wouldn't I want to work at a maximum security correctional facility for the rest of my days?" Dr. Nathan's eyes gleamed as she wrestled with the overpowering emotions that provided so much contradiction and struggle in her life.
There was the sound of broken glass followed by a horrific crash came from outside the closed door.
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" A menacing roar pierced through the wall.
Toby jumped and peed himself a little as the door to the room burst open. He sat up on the examining table and clutched the skimpy hospital gown closer to his smooth, creamy skin as if he could protect himself from the determined man standing in the hallway. The next moment was crucial to everyone's well-being.
No. Toby chuckled. Of course, there was nothing to worry about; Chris would never harm one hair on his head. Dr. Nathan, though... oh well. There were plenty of other doctors in the world.
Chris stepped into the room, his large barrel chest heaving, and breath escaping his nostrils in pants. He was like a gigantic bull in the proverbial china shop. His hands were clenched in fists by his sides - well, nearly at his sides. All that bodybuilding had given his arms a rather bow-armed look that contributed to the animal metaphors. Toby reflected that perhaps Chris looked more like an ape, after all.
"Um, hi Keller. Fancy seeing you here." Toby said, his eyes darting to his doctor and then back to the form of his enraged lover.
"Oh, so it's KELLER now? You goddamn cocksucking son of a bitch. What the HELL is going on here? What are you doing?" Chris's voice deepened with each word until the last ones ground out of his mouth as though he had been chewing on rocks and Barry White cassette tapes. "You usually call me Chris, while we're knocking boots, while I'm breaking your bones, gettin' busy, burying the baby leg, snappin' necks, burping the worm in your mole hole..."
"All euphemisms," Toby hastily tried to reassure the doctor. "Just innuendo."
"Playin' you like Nintendo, storming the trenches, settin' you up, practicing the waterbed waltz, tossing off a batch of baby butter..."
Dr. Nathan interrupted at the point, much to Toby's dismay. He so loved to hear Chris getting all riled up.
"So you do in fact engage in regular carnal activities then?"
Chris turned, his hawk-like profile highlighted by the harsh fluorescent lights in the room. He pinned the dark-haired woman with a crazy glare. "Whatchoo talking `bout, Doc?"
"Keller, it's quite simple. Toby's just here for a check-up, and from your words, I've gleaned that you have sex with Beecher rather frequently. I can't tell you how happy that makes me!" She smiled beatifically, her chocolate orbs shining with glee.
Cocking his head to one side, Chris studied Dr. Nathan. "So all those times we gone windsurfing on Mount Baldy... when we weren't supposed to be fucking... you're okay with that?"
Her clipboard slipping from her grasp, Dr. Nathan clapped her hands together. "Beecher, this is wonderful news. Would you like me to exposition needlessly now, or would you like to do the honors?"
Defeated, Toby sighed loudly (as he was wont to do). He stumbled over his first words, mumbling and stuttering slightly (as he was also wont to do). "Welsh... Doctr Nashan herre saysh..."
Mollified by Toby's feeble attempt at coherent speech, Chris stepped up close to the bed and ran a predatory, yet soothing, hand down Beecher's thigh. "Come, baby, come, come on, tell me. Even when you don't tell me anything at all, I still know what's best for you. I know how to survive in prison. I'm a survivor. I'm gonna keep on survivin'."
Helplessly, Toby looked around, his eyes huge and wild; his golden fluffy curls sweetly framing his pale, angelic face. Chris reached out and took a firm hold of Toby's jaw, pulling his head up. They began a silent staring competition, or maybe it was just a conversation with their eyes, but either way, Dr. Nathan had to unbutton her blouse a little because the temperature in the private room rose several degrees and dammit, where was Tim "Quickie" McManus when you just needed to get off? Shaking her head, Gloria clapped her hands together once more. After all, she believed in fairies.
"Beecher, Keller! It's wonderful news! The two of you are going to have a baby!"
Chris's mouth dropped open. He gaped at Toby like a really mean fish, brows knitted together in consternation. Agog, he turned to Dr. Nathan. "Say what? Repeat that into my good ear."
Toby sniffed. "What's the short version?"
Chris grinned. "You taking that crazy Pill, scissoring your anal ring, rump splitting, my flesh flute stretchin' out your balloon knot, rabbit thrusting and we've got ourselves an e-quay-shun. All that equals you knocked up, and I'm gonna be a daddy!"
"You really are my baby daddy, now." Toby smiled smugly at Chris.
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