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Inspired by Kristina. Unbeta'd.
Location: that crappy stage in the Cafeteria where Poet reads his poems.
Characters: Hill as the Narrator, Ryan O'Reily as the groom's best man, Vern Schillinger as the bride's maid, Mukada as the priest, Said as his sidekick, ChrisandToby +the Audience. Oh, and sporadic appearances of the Writer, Allah bless her soul.
(lights go on, one by one - enters Hill)
Hill (wearing a tuxedo and a hat): "Ladies and getle...well, ladies mostly, not a whole lotta gentlemen read this kinda crap, from what the Writer has told me during the private conversation she and I had backstage not too long ago, when she flirtingly showed me her--"
Writer (annoyed): "Get on with it already, Augustus. It's private, don't you get the meaning of the word?"
Hill: "Private? In here?! Darling, being the *Writer* of this piece of crap, you of all people should know that there is no such thing as--"
(Writer walks out muttering in Romanian, infuriated)
Hill (sighing): "Oh well, whatever. Can't feel anything anyway." (turning towards the audience) "Where were we? Yeah, the D-day, the moment every Ken-abusing little girl dreams about while watching 'The Young and the Restless' with her Hubby-abusing mommy, learning new tricks and schemes from Nicky and Vicky on how to get her little paws on...wait, wait, wait a fucking second, this doesn't make much sense, does it?"
Writer (from behind the curtain): "Did it on purpose, asshole. How does it feel, huh?"
Hill (rolling his eyes): "Hey, it's your damn story, darling, you do whatever you want with it. Look at our local God, see what he's done with us, that bitch. And what did the audience say about that?..."
Writer (huffing behind the curtain): "Okay, okay. Certainly don't wanna end up like him."
Hill: Yep. "Can you spell cru-ci-fiction, darling?"
Writer: "Okay, OKAY!... Jesus, you're worse than my mother."
Hill: "Hey, you're writing me, darling. Just tell'em like I see'em."
Writer: "Fine, go on. And stop calling me 'darling'!"
Hill: "Sure thing, sweetheart." (turning towards the audience again) "Before my temporarily appointed Maker decided to show us all just how testy she can be, I was just about to inform you of the big event the Writer has prepared for us over here, in the merry land of Oz. Or not-so-merry for some of us..."
(curtain opens and Ryan O'Reily is shoved onto the stage while the audience cheers)
O'Reily (wearing a dark suit that's too small for him and a pink tie, blinking a couple of times while trying to read the 'I heart you, Ryan'/'You sexy, sexy psycho boy' banners waving in front of him): "I don't wanna be here. I want you all to know that I DIDN'T WANT TO BE HERE!"
Hill (checking his watch): "Hey, don't tell me, tell it to the self-appointed Writer. It was all her bright idea."
Writer (from behind the curtain): "Not mine, baby! Kristina's idea. Blame her." (quieter) "I know I do."
Hill: "So...O'Reily, make the fucking introduction already, I ain't got a lot of time."
Audience (in between cheering and catcalls): "Yeah, Ryan, make the introduction. Strip, baby, STRIP!!!"
(O'Reily turns around and tries to get behind the curtain only to get shoved back out)
Writer (suffering from a rapidly developing God complex): "Make the fucking introduction already, Ryan. Remember: I've made you and I can break you just as easily."
O'Reily (cocky): "Oh, yeah?"
Writer: "You want me to bring Howell over here? You know, there can always be a sequel to this story, baby. Play nice."
(O'Reily stares back in horror towards the red curtain, then turns around and starts squealing)
O'Reily: "Dear audience...man, we've got quite a small audience, don't we, Wheel-boy?"
Hill: "Don't call me that."
O'Reily (ignoring him): "And...they're all chicks. Pretty horny too, I might add."
Hill: "Of course they're all horny chicks, you moron. It's THE wedding, 'member? The one they never go to see."
O'Reily (snickering): "Yeah, I *know* what they're ALL waiting for..."
Hill (checking his watch again): "Will you get on with it already?! I've got other business to attend to."
Writer (from behind the curtain, laughing): "Yeah, he's got a plane crash to catch all the way to Hawaii."
O'Reily (distracted): "Hawaii?!"
(all the sudden, from the audience, a girl jumps from her seat and onto the stage, grabbing O'Reily's shirt)
O'Reily: "Oh, yeah, baby..." (sees a name tag on her chest saying 'Claire') "Oh my God, no! No, no, no, not again!" (she's tearing up his shirt) "NOOOOOOOO!..."
(Ryan starts running towards the exit way only to be stopped by the rest of the horny audience and dragged back onto the stage)
Hill (yawning): "Hey, man, they wanna see the damn thing go all the way through, you know? They'll rape your ass a bit later, don't worry. Just say the fucking line."
O'Reily (still shaking, fixing up his pink tie): "Didn't know I had such a stage fright." (straightening his shoulders) "Dear ladies, or whatever the fuck you are, here it is, the biggest event since some horny 14-year old decided to invent the alternative female-oriented form of porn, a.k.a. fanfiction: THE WEDDING. Or, shall we say, the FAG wedding, and I'm the groom's best man, motherFUCKING FUCK!" (starts yelling, turning towards the red curtain) "Why am I here, why the fuck am I here? And who's idea was it to give me this fucking PINK tie anyway? I ain't a fucking faggot, goddamn it, I ain't a fag!" (sobbing, wiping his eyes with his tie, Hill rolling next to him, patting him on the shoulder and yawning again) "I ain't a fag, I ain't a fag, I thought fucking God had already quite fucking obviously fuckin' established that, goddamn it..."
Writer: "Hey, easy on the slurring, it's a goddamn wedding, okay? A bit of respect. Besides...I am God now. And when I say you wear a pink tie, you wear a pink tie, sweetheart. Capisci? At least, you didn't get to be the bride's maid..."
(the curtain opens and out comes from the darkness the Prince of Darkness himself, Vern Schillinger, wearing a pink dress with a big blue ribbon across his waist and a small, sparkling tiara on his bald head)
O'Reily (laughing uncontrollably): "A little princess! He looks like a little fucking princess!"
Hill (cackling): "A very ugly princess...but a princess none the less."
(Schillinger walks up to the microphone on his 10 inches stiletto heels, not flinching once; and his Mascara looks perfect, by the way)
O'Reily: "A fairy, a fuckin fairy! Can you fly, little fairy?" (moving his arms up and down) "Flap-flap!"
Schillinger (ignoring him): "I'm gonna kill the fucking inferior bitch who wrote this, I'm gonna fucking kill her." (into the microphone, smiling in front of a crazed audience) "Hello LAID-es, and welcome to the most important event taking place in Oz at this moment--"
Hill (muttering softly): "Up until the next riot, that is."
Audience (increasingly impatient): "That's already been said, Vern." (shouting) "We want Chris and Toby!" (chanting) "ChrisandToby! ChrisandToby! ChrisandToby!!!"
Hill: "And, by the look of this crowd, that riot ain't too far away." (nodding) "Man, this Writer sucks!..."
Writer (hiding behind the curtain): "I heard that!"
(meanwhile, Vern still stands tall in front of a boiling audience, proudly enduring the 'We hate Vern' crowd who's throwing chips and pretzels at him)
Vern (smiling and rearranging his slightly tilted tiara): "Now, ladies, you *do* want this mockery of a wedding to actually happen, don't you?"
Vern: "Oh, I know you do. So I'd suggest you SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
(the crowd goes quiet; well...quieter)
Vern: "Now that's better. My pseudo-Nazi sympathizer friend--"
Writer (shouting): "I'm not a Nazi sympathizer, I'm not, I'm not!" (quieter) Just like the uniforms, that's all."
Vern: "If you say so, sweetpea. Without further ado - giving in to hysteria - here is *the* wedding."
(the curtain opens as the audience screams and cheers; on one side, Schillinger taps his stiletto heels next to a very blushing Chris Keller while on the other side O'Reily smokes a cigarette next to a very nervous Tobias Beecher; in front of them, Father Mukada and Kareem Said stand side by side, chained together at the waist)
Mukada (sighing): "Sweet God, this is insane."
Said (playing with his prayer beads): "Merciful Allah, this is just plain stupid."
Schillinger (rolling his eyes): "Don't you holy guys mean 'blasphemous'?"
Hill: "Would you please get on with it already? Please?"
Audience (chanting): "ChrisandToby! ChrisandToby! ChrisandToby!"
O'Reily (towards Beecher): "Jeez, they really, really love you guys, don't they?"
Beecher (wearing the same black suit and a pink tie - but looking pretty much like a lawyer nonetheless): "Well, I AM the main character, you know. And Chris..." (looking at the other man, licking his lips) "Chris is my favorite tag-a-long. And everybody else's." (leaning into O'Reily, softer) "But don't tell him I said that." (loud enough for the audience to hear) "He's my man!"
(audience cheers - again)
O'Reily (choking on his cigarette smoke, grinning): "Well, K-boy sure desn't look like much of a MAN now."
(cut to the man in question, dressed in a white wedding dress way too small for him, trying to stare down at his own cleavage dcollet - checking out the package)
Keller (squirming): "Man, this is fucking tight. I can hardly breathe in this shit. It's...arousing."
Schillinger (checking out Keller's cleavage too, one eye brow raised mockingly): "White? You?!"
Keller (grinning): "What can I say, Vern? I'm a classic kind of guy."
Schillinger (eyeing Beecher, smirking): "Yeah, you're 'classic' alright. What's this...like your 20-th wedding or something?"
Keller: "Nah, my fifth. But it don't matter, I'm finally gonna get my hands on my baby. And fuckin' KEEP him, this time around."
Schillinger: "Uh-huh, with the 'fucking' in the middle. Whatever, Christopher." (quieter) "Dream on, cupcake."
Writer (hiding under a chair): "Hit it, Augie!"
(Hill leans over a stereo and pushes 'play': Billy Idol's 'White Wedding')
Hill: "Cliche-stricken all the way!..."
Beecher, Keller, O'Reily, Schillinger, Said (all turning towards the writer): "This song sucks!"
Writer: "I DON'T CARE!"
Mukada (moving his shoulders to the rhythm): "I love Billy Idol." (tries to dance to the song, repeatedly hitting Said with the Bible in the process) "Hey little sister who's your Superman, Hey little sister who's the one you want..."
Keller: "Hey, Padre--"
Mukada (gazing around the room frantically): "Miguel? Miguel, where are you?"
O'Reily (laughing on Beecher's shoulder): "Miguel ain't here, Mukada. Solitary, remember? Again."
Mukada (sighing, looking very depressed): "Oh. Again."
Schillinger (admiring his nail polish while repeatedly stepping on Keller's train dress to hold him back from jumping on Beecher): "Not yet, Chrissie, you dumb fuck. White wedding, remember?" (to Mukada) "Yeah Father, you better make sure to bring Miguelito his *special* sandwich after all this horseshit is over. Fuckin' Catholics."
Mukada (looking with increased horror at the psychotically impatient audience): "Yeah, I guess we should be getting started."
Mukada (coughs a couple of times, leans on Said for fraternal spiritual comfort): "Dearly beloved, you have come together in this church so that the Lord may seal and strengthen your love in the presence of the Church's minister and this community. Christ abundantly blesses this love..."
Keller (muttering): "I don't remember *ever* hearing this particular part..."
Mukada (annoyed): "That's because you've never gotten married in a Catholic Church before, Keller. Don't interrupt me." (to himself) "Moron."
Said: "Well, Mukada, he does have a point, as much as I hate to admit to such an absurdity. (pointing towards Beecher) "He's not Catholic. This is required when both...*partners* are Catholic."
Schillinger: "Yeah, Beecher. What the fuck are you nowadays?"
Beecher (looking confused): "Well, I guess I'm not a Muslim anymore... (Said glares at him, Keller sighs with relief) But I'm not a...wait, what the hell was I before anyway?"
Schillinger (smiling): "Don't matter, sweetpea." (patting Keller's ass) "This sack of shit over here's your God now, ain't he? Can you spell FAGGOTRY?"
Keller (looking even more confused) : "I used to think I was God, but I ain't so sure anymore..."
Hill (losing his temper): "Oh, will you fucking stop with this shit and get the fuck married already? I'M LATE!"
Keller (suddenly perking up): "Yeah, let's get to the good parts, Mukada. I'm bored." (the audience cheers him on chanting 'good parts!') "And Vern, you can take your hand off my ass now, fuck you very much. I ain't interested."
Schillinger (blushing and backing away from him): "As if!"
Mukada (lighting up a cigarette from O'Reily): "Okay, I'll go with the Hollywood version then."
O'Reily (pointing towards the audience): "That's what they wanna see. And fast."
Mukada: "Have you come here freely and without reservation to give yourself to each other in marriage?"
Beecher: "Hmmm... *Here* as in Oz, Father?!"
Keller: "Well, I kind of have."
Beecher: "Well, nobody asked you."
Keller (cleavage one step away from tearing up as Schillinger steps on his dress again): "You marryin' someone else, Beecher?"
Beecher (loosely restrained by a highly amused O'Reily): "Fuck you."
Keller: "Fuck me? Fuck you, bitch."
Mukada (yelling and bashing Keller over the face with the Bible while consequently Said hits Beecher with the Qu'ran): "Settle the fuck down or I won't marry you ASSHOLES any time soon, got that?"
Audience: "Let them fight, let them fight! They're hot when they fight!"
O'Reily (wistfully): "Yeah, and they usually try to kill each other too. You sure you really want that?"
Mukada (to Said, comparing Sacred Books for blood smears): "We sure make a great team, don't we?"
Said (smudging a blood stain off the Qu'ran): "We're unbeatable, my brother."
Mukada: "Now, let's get on with it. Will you love and honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?"
Beecher (wiping his teary eyes and rubbing his reddened forehead): "Uh-huh."
Keller (wiping the blood off his mouth): "Uh-huh."
Mukada: "That's not NEARLY a 'yes'."
Beecher/Keller (shouting): "Yes!"
O'Reily (muttering to himself): "Jesus, this wedding's made in hell."
Beecher/Keller: "We heard that!"
Mukada: "Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church? Oh wait, that's not exactly appropriate."
Schillinger (sneering): "And the rest of this charade is?!"
Keller (confused): "Accept children?..."
O'Reily: "It means fucking and having babies, you dickhead."
Keller (eyes sparkling): "well, Beech already got kids, so--"
Beecher (muttering): "Yeah, MY kids, not yours."
Mukada: "Settle this AFTER the wedding, boys." (whispering to himself) "I have to go and see Miguel, don't have time for your petty misunderstandings." (to the others)"Any impediment which may prohibit these two to become one in holy matrimony?"
Schillinger/Said/O'Reily (together): "Apart from the obvious?"
Mukada (rolling his eyes): "Apart from the obvious."
Schillinger (checking his nails again): "Well, Keller's a slut and Beechball's a nutcase and they'll eventually end up killing each other, so nooooo, no impediment where I'm concerned."
Said: "I abstain, out of friendship for Beecher, but I need to point out that this is a blasphemy and Keller is--"
Audience: "Worthless, no good piece of shit blah-blah, we already know that, so SHUT UP, SAID!"
O'Reily (stopping from counting the money he made from selling tickets to the audience): "Huh? No, father, no problemo for me, they keep the cash flowing."
Mukada (to Schillinger): "Take Keller's hand."
Schillinger (embarrassed): "Why?"
Mukada: "Just take his damn hand! Now place it over Beecher's."
(the moment their hands touch - Beecher and Keller's, not Keller and Schillinger's - the audience collectively goes 'aaahhh' while the Writer starts writing on a piece of paper something about 'mushy sentimental bullshit' and 'audience impact')
O'Reily (to the audience): "Here comes the money part, you whackjobs!"
Mukada (to Beecher): "Repeat after me: I, Tobias, take you, Christopher, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."
Keller (suddenly facing the new reality - and getting the proverbial 'cold feet'): "Hey, I may be wearin' a dress, but I ain't his fuckin' wife."
(they're all ignoring him)
Mukada: "Christopher, do you take Tobias to be your..." (frowns, pursing his lips) "husband? Do you promise to be true to him in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, to love him and honor him all the days of your life? My God, this is stupid."
Keller (losing patience): "Yes, yes!"
Schillinger (grabbing Keller's ass again): "Settle down, boy."
Keller: "Stop touching me, *Dad*!"
Mukada (ignoring them both): "And do you, Tobias, take Christopher to be your...wife?" (bursts into uncontrollable laughter, dropping the Bible over Said's foot; the best man and the bride's maid join in)
Schillinger/O'Reily (holding hands, dancing in circles): "Chris and Toby sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G!..."
Said (muttering to himself): "Schillinger and O'Reily holding hands, these two getting married Catholic style...what is this world coming to?"
Mukada (going through his messed up Bible, pointing towards the writer): "Ask *God* over there, all her doing."
Writer (raising her hands in the air): "Hey, it's funny." (shrugging shyly) "Right?..."
Hill (almost rising out of his chair): "Yeah, fucking delirious! MOVE ON!"
(the audience watches the entire scene dumbfounded, scratching their heads)
Beecher/Keller (both dragging away their respective counterparts, almost embarrassed): "That's enough, had your fun. It's our turn now."
Mukada (resuming his role while wiping the tears in his eyes): "Well, do you Beecher?"
Beecher (idly staring at a very nervous Keller tapping his red shoe): "I...think..."
Keller (screams, tearing out his own cleavage): "You think? YOU THINK?! WHAT THE FUCK DOES *THAT* MEAN, TOBY?!"
Mukada: "Hey, language!"
Keller (almost crying with Schillinger's hands comforting his ass again): "Fuck you, Padre, five fucking years of waiting, crawling, begging, panting around him like he's Jesus fucking Christ or something and now he *thinks*?" (turning towards Schillinger, definitely sobbing now) "There is only so much a man can take, you know? The fuck, I married *and* divorced Bonnie in five fucking years... It's not NATURAL!"
Beecher (taking a deep breath, smiling just a little with O'Reily snickering in his ear): "Okay, OKAY... Anything just to make you stop *crying* like a little girl, Jesus..."
Mukada (taking a break from playing rock-paper-scissors with Said): "So you do?"
Beecher (almost defeated): "Yeah, I do." (mockingly sweet) "Happy now, Chris?"
A voice from the audience: "Hey, maybe it's none of my business but...this whole marriage thing is going all the wrong way."
(Audience nods fervently)
Writer (from under the chair, still taking notes): "Yeah, you're right, It's none of your business, so sit the fuck down and shut up."
O'Reily (grinning and checking out his collection of shanks): "Or she'll send you to the Hole. Or worse."
Beecher (yelling at a distracted Mukada resuming his rock-paper thing with Said): "Hey, I said I DO! What are you waiting for?"
Mukada (pursing his lips like a petulant child): "You have declared your consent before the Church. May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your consent and fill you both with his blessings. What God has joined, men must not divide. Amen."
O'Reily: "Yeah, A-MEN to *all* the 'men' part!..."
Schillinger (watching Keller staring desolately at his ripped cleavage): "Kinda makes a life statement about you, don't it, Chris? What's that...existential *metaphor*?"
Keller (very quietly): "Ask Beecher, he knows shit like that."
Schillinger (mockingly-but-not-quite philosophical): "I'm sure he does. So what's next?"
Keller: "The ring exchange thing. If O'Reily hasn't already sold them."
(at the other end of the rope, Beecher almost has to threaten O'Reily with some serious throat slashing to make him give up the rings)
Beecher (holding the rings): "Hey, Mukada, we're ready. Come on man, it's almost dinnertime in the Cafeteria. People are hungry."
Audience (perking up a little after almost falling asleep): "Yeah, hungry for ChrisandToby!"
(a small group in the audience) "RyanandMiguel too!"
Mukada: "Okay, just take the ring."
Keller (forehead buried in Schillinger's own cleavage): "Hey, you gotta...bless those or something, first."
Mukada (condescending): "And who named you 'Catholic of the Year', Keller?"
Audience (screaming): "Just do what he says already!"
Mukada (blessing the rings): "May the Lord bless these rings which you give to each other as the sign of your love and fidelity. Amen."
O'Reily (to Beecher): "You bought those, didn't you?"
Beecher: "Figures. Keller can't even buy himself a pair of socks."
Mukada: NOW...will you take the ring, *Mister* Beecher?"
Beecher (as he takes the ring to put it on Keller's finger): "Take this ring as a sign of my love and...shit, I forgot the rest. Father?"
Mukada: "Fidelity, Goddamn FIDELITY! Is it so hard to keep that part in mind?""
Beecher (forcing the ring on Keller's finger, scratching the skin): "Fidelity, if you say so. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."
Said: "The Holy Trinity is 'shirk', the foundation of all that's wrong about Christianity--"
Keller: "Yeah, blah-blah, nobody cares, so shut up. I'm tryin' to get married here."
Mukada (giving him the other ring): "So get married already."
Schillinger: "Just say the magic words, sweetpea...and he's all yours."
Keller (trying to put the ring on Beecher's finger): "Take this...Goddamn fucking ring as a sign of my undying love and F-I-D-E-L-I-T-Y, Beecher. In the name of the 'Shirk'. Amen."
Beecher (rubbing his swollen finger): "You can't do anything right, can you?"
Keller: Yeah, and that's why you're marryin' me, baby."
Beecher (very calm and even): "I'll slash your fucking throat when you're asleep."
Keller (just as calm and even): "Try that and I'll break those pretty arms of yours. Again."
O'Reily (snickering): "Pretty arms?!"
Schillinger (raising an eye brow): "Throat slashing?..."
Audience (sensing the grand moment): "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! KISSKISSKISS!!!"
Hill (to the writer, hands in the air): "Give them what they want. Deliver, sweetheart, it's why you're here."
Writer (going through her papers, cursing): "I can't find the Goddamn Bidding prayer and I ain't a Catholic so I don't know shit but I know there has to be a fucking Bidding prayer, whatever the fuck that is."
Hill (pointing towards the audience): "I think they can live without it." (grabbing the writer's shoulder) "Hey, you listening?"
Audience (yelling hysterically): "KISSKISSKISSKISSKISSKISS!!!..."
Hill: "You think they give a shit about the Bidding Prayer?"
Writer: "Guess not...but it's my duty to--"
Hill: "It's your *duty* to not get us all mauled over here, okay? They're freaking SAVAGES, man!... I'll give you a ride in my wheelchair, what do you say?"
Writer (pouting): "Fine. Only for the wheelchair ride."
(Billy Idol's 'White Wedding' starts playing again for the obvious delight of the audience - and Mukada only)
Mukada (bouncing to the music): "Since our *beloved* Writer hasn't bothered enough to find the Bidding Prayer...I pronounce you man and wife."
(a momentary look of confusion settles over the bride and the groom's faces)
Mukada: You're married, morons. KISS.
(confusion dissipates fast)
Keller (practically jumping on Beecher, grabbing his tie): "FINALLY!"
Beecher (suffocating): "You're choking me!"
(audience goes wild, throwing all sorts of junk at them as makeshift confetti; some strip, some cry overwhelmed by the intensity of a crazed Keller smothering his new husband in a lovingly embrace; and they kiss...and they kiss..and then they kiss some more)
Hill (to the Writer): "You really ARE a lousy writer, aren't you?"
Writer (jumps in Hill's lap, swapping spit): "Well, I try to do my best. Now give me my wheel-Hill ride!"
Hill (rolling his wheelchair on the stage around the newly weds): "At your service, Ma'am!"
(White Wedding booming on the stereo, Mukada inviting Said for some brotherly dance, O'Reily negotiating in a corner with some horny members of the audience while Schillinger sheds some crocodile tears watching the bride and the groom making out, completely oblivious to the general mayhem rolling around them)
Hill: "Well, I guess this is the end of the story."
Writer (almost crying overwhelmed with emotion, getting off his lap): "Yeah, I guess it is."
Hill (re-arranging his messed up tie and taking off his dreadlocks wig): "In this case, you don't mind me getting the fuck out of here, do you?"
Writer (teary eyed, sighing): "If you must."
Hill: "Sadly, I must, my darling. Gotta go find my kid on that silly Island show." (raising from his chair in front of a stunned audience; even Beecher and Keller stop kissing, if only for a couple of seconds) "See you in hell, scumfucks. I've got a plane waiting for me to crash and some catching up to do with our dearly way-too-early departured Adebisi. He's gonna be pissing his pants when he hears about this."
O'Reily (jaw dropping on the floor): "Adebisi?!... You gonna kill yourself or something?"
Hill (grinning): "Even better, gonna be on a show that actually WINS some Goddamn awards instead of only getting royally fucked in the ass ALL the time, like this one did." (hat in the air, grinning even wider while flipping them the middle finger) "Thank you for the lovely fag wedding, and fuck you very much. Sayonara, losers!"
Said (blinking a couple of times, completely dumbfounded): "He can feel his legs. He can WALK."
Keller (tilting his head while loosening his grip on Beecher's tie): "It's like the motherfucking resurrection or something."
Beecher (still gasping for air): "Yeah, that's what our GIGANTIC love is capable of. Now back the fuck off a little, I STILL have to breathe, you know? Even though I married you..."
Said (still blinking): "He can walk, he can walk. Allahu ackbar, Allahu ackbar!"
Keller: "It's a miracle, it's a fucking miracle. You and me gettin' hitched, Beech, that's what caused it. It's a sign from God."
Beecher: "Okay, just stop strangling me!"
Schillinger (checking out his nails again, snorting): "Horseshit! The nigger could always walk."
O'Reily (raising an eyebrow while counting his cash): "Yeah, he was just faking it all this time. It's a scam."
Said (solemn): "It is God's hand."
Keller (grabbing Said's shoulders in a bear hug, while Said remains unresponsive, still blinking into thin air): "Yeah, yeah, Said, God's fuckin' hand, that's what it is. Me and Beech, Hill walking around, WooHoo! Allahuhu ackbaru, Allahuhu ackbaru, baby!"
Beecher (rolling his eyes): "Oh, my God, not another religious dilemma, not now, Chris. Please."
Keller (kissing Beecher, then Said on the cheek, then Beecher again): "Allahuhu ackbaru, Allahuhu ackbaru!" (yelling in Beecher's ear) "What do you say, Beech, you think a little conversion would do good to our marriage?"
Beecher (smirking): "Yeah, the multiple marriage partners part of conversion, riiight?"
Keller (equally smirking): "Oh, I was more interested in the honor killing part..."
Beecher (still smirking): "Of course, my sweet, *sweet* wife, how could I have thought otherwise?"
Said (finally coming to his senses and pushing him away): "You have got to be JOKING. And besides, it's Allahu ackbar, you illiterate degenerate."
Beecher: "Hey, Said, easy on my wife, okay? Can't call Chris 'illiterate' whenever you feel like it."
Said (very calm): "But he is."
Beecher: "Yeah, but..." (whispering) "Give the guy a break, at least don't say it to his face."
Schillinger (approaching Keller): "Chris...can we talk a sec?"
Keller (acting like a 4-year-old): "Go away."
(Schillinger pats his ass a couple of times and Keller immediately gives in)
Schillinger (to himself): "Like talking to a puppy." (to Keller) "Listen Chris, I uhhh...*congratulate* you on your marriage, but you know, if it doesn't work out, you can always come back to me." (patting his ass again) "You can always come back home. My door will always be open, my son."
Keller (laughing a bit too nervous): "Yeah, riiight, *daddy*. As if!" (walking back towards Beecher, stumbling in his torn out dress train) "I'm a new fuckin' MAN, now. All grown up!"
Schillinger (sighing): "Yeah, 5-th marriage, torn out wedding dress and all, suuure..."
Mukada (lighting up a cigarette next to a still miracle-struck Said): "So, Kareem...rock paper scissors?"
Said (sighing emphatically): "Sure, if you're up to it. I've had enough God-thought for today."
(they start playing again while O'Reily approaches a spit swapping Beecher/Keller mash-up)
O'Reily (disgusted, trying to look away): "Hey, could you cut that out like for a damn second?"
(Beecher pulls away while Keller keeps nipping at his jaw line, groaning)
O'Reily: "That's better."
Beecher: "What can we do you for, sweetpea?"
Keller (still groaning in Beecher's ear): "Please, baby, no Vern-talk, okay cupcake? It's a major turn-off."
O'Reily (green eyes sparkling): "I've been talking uhhh...you know, to the *audience*, and they're willing to... Jesus Christ, K-boy, could you stop chewing on Beecher's ear for a fucking second so I can finish this without throwing up?"
Keller (head resting on his husband's shoulder, looking dreamy): "Willing to what?"
O'Reily (thumb rubbing against the tips of his fingers): "Pay."
Keller (licking at Beecher's Adam apple): "Oh, that thumb-rubbing thing turns me on sooo much, do that again."
Beecher (pushing Keller just a little bit): "Pay? Be more explicit."
O'Reily (rubbing his thumb against his fingers again, grinning): "You know, to get to see what the OTHER God never gave them. The wedding night."
Keller (nipping again at Beecher's neck, rubbing slowly against him): "The *consummation*, you mean."
O'Reily (looking at his feet, suddenly embarrassed): "Yeah, *that*. What do you say?"
Beecher (again pushing Keller away, harder this time): "No. I'm not a fucking porn star, O'Reily." (looks over at the overtly hornyandanxious audience, biting their nails) "Besides, this is intimate."
O'Reily (sneering): "Intimate?! The whole of Em fucking City watches the two of you every Goddamn night going at it and you talk of 'intimate'? Are you out of your mind AGAIN, Law-boy?"
Keller (grinning widely): "The whole? You ever watchin' us, O'Reily?"
O'Reily (annoyed): "Shut the fuck up, I'm talking to your husband here, Keller."
Keller (ignoring him, whispering in Beecher's ear): "I'm thinkin' it's a lot of cash, Toby and we ain't gotta do nothin' we ain't done before so..."
Beecher (cupping his face in his hands, smiling): "You're *thinking* a bit too much, Chris. I love you so, and you know that, but no. This time it's gonna be only you and I, nobody else."
Keller (sighing): "I love you too, Toby."
Beecher (hugging him): "Oh, I know. So, so much."
O'Reily (walking away, mocking them): "You and I...and the rest of Em City, hacks included. I love you, oh I love you too, Toby, so so mushhh... What a waste! If only Beecher were Scott Ross, I'd be a fuckin' millionaire. (yelling at the audience) "Nothing, laid-es!"
(Audience deflates like a balloon)
Voice from the audience: "But maybe we can arrange something to see you jerking off?"
O'Reily (giving it a thought for a second): "Nah, pass. Not my thing."
(Audience continues debating over trying to arrange something with Mukada or Said; nobody mentions Schillinger though)
Schillinger (approaching the Writer, firmly glued to the B/K-kissing bumpersticker): "Sooo, I guess this is where you gotta end it, right sweetpea?"
Writer (sighing): "I guess..."
Schillinger: "Well...what the hell you're waiting for? The wedding's over. And it's dinnertime. I'm hungry."
Writer (checking him out): "Will you let me stay at your table in the Cafeteria?"
Schillinger (smiling and patting her ass): "Sure thing, sweetpea. I'll even let you do my laundry, if you wanna. Or...give you a little tat on that sweet cheek of yours."
Writer (smiling and equally patting his considerably bigger ass): "Well...I do find that Post Master uniform of yours sooo sexy and that mail card drives me NUTS, so let's wrap this up, meine Fuhrer, you lardass lousy imitation you."
Schillinger: "Oh, you're quite a gal, cupcake. Shall I do the 'Exeunt Omnes' thing?"
Writer: "Be my guest. And do it right, this time around."
Schillinger (steps in front of the stage, lights flashing on his bulky figure in pink): "Well, ladies and laid-es, this has been THE WEDDING. Our dashing heroes, Chris and Toby, one ex-prag/psychotic sentimental schmuck/serial killer/serial husband plus some other 'serials' and...yet another ex-prag, but this time ex-lawyer/ex-husband/ex-widower/ex-alcoholic and hell of a lot of other 'exes', have FINALLY taken the big step...again. Why would ANYONE care to see them or read - or write for that matter - about these two nutcase fags getting married, I don't know. A woman's mind works - as my dear dead Darlene used to say - in mysterious ways, and this..." (pointing towards the audience taking pictures of the STILL kissing ChrisandToby) "this only shows what a wise woman she was. And what great taste I have in women. And prags, for that matter. Well, time to close this joint." (pointing towards the ceiling) "Master Oz!" (lights slowly starts going off, one at a time)
"Hope you'll all stick around for tea and cookies in the Cafeteria. And...what the heck, some Third Reich inspired chit chat!"
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