Light - CatHeights	  Light
 By CatHeights   


 Codes: B/K
 Rating: NC-17; mildly angsty loving
 Timing: Sometime at the beginning of season 4 after the lockdown has come
to an end
 Website: www.geocities.com/catheights
 Note: This is the third story in my Reverberations Universe; it follows
Moment of Peace.
 Disclaimer: Tom Fontana and HBO own everything Oz. I'm just messing with
the characters a bit. No copyright infringement intended or money to be
made. 
    It was never completely dark in Em City. No, there was always that
sliver of light shining out from hack central in the middle of the common
area. And that lack of darkness was fine with Chris Keller. He had enough
darkness in his own soul, so he really didn’t mind the light. Sometimes,
it gave him that dangerous and rare thing — hope. If light could pierce
its way through Em City at night, a place where pain and fear tried to
hide in the shadows, maybe, just maybe, it had found its way into his
soul. Besides, that little sliver of light meant he would be able to see
the expression on Toby’s face while they made love. 

Chris took a step back as Toby lifted off his t-shirt. His eyes briefly
followed the path of the green shirt falling to the floor beside their
bunks before returning to gaze at Toby’s chest, now bare. The eerie
yellow-green light flickering across skin made things look unreal, and
Chris felt a twinge of fear jump in his stomach. Was this real? Did he
really have Toby or was this just another dream that would shatter with
the morning buzzer? Over the months, he had had so many of those dreams,
so many mornings of disappointing reality.  

No, this was real, and you would think by now that he would know it for
sure. After all, it had been weeks since Toby had asked McManus to move
them back into the same pod. Still, sometimes it seemed too good to be
true, and that frightened him. And as always when that fear resurfaced,
the need to touch Toby, to feel the reality, overwhelmed him. He placed
his hands on Toby’s chest, and the solid smoothness of it calmed his
unease. Toby’s skin felt cold, and so Chris sought to warm it. He massaged
tense muscles, the friction heating the skin beneath his fingers. 

His hands slid over Toby’s shoulders, and then he was being pulled close.
Chris heard the thankful sigh that slipped out of his mouth as Toby kissed
him. He couldn’t help it. God, he needed this. He found himself in the wet
heat of Toby’s mouth, or at least what he hoped was himself.  

Kissing Toby always felt so incredible as it brought him such a wonderful
mix of emotion. There was the desire that sped through his blood
sensitizing his skin and making his entire body ache for Toby’s touch. But
there was also that strange feeling of lightness that washed through him.
He felt clean, as if all the years of dirt that cluttered his soul had
been swept away. It might be silly, but Toby’s kiss made him feel good,
pure. He could almost believe that with each kiss, his soul entwined with
Toby’s, and he found his true self, the one that wasn’t a piece of shit. 

Chris slipped a hand into Toby’s hair, pressing their mouths even closer.
As their kiss grew in force and passion, the emotions overwhelmed him. He
was warm, safe, wanted — loved. Yes, this was what love felt like. Dear
God, this is what it felt like. They should fucking never stop kissing.  

That thought had barely flickered through his mind when Toby broke off
their kiss. Chris groaned, but the sound had barely left his mouth before
his breath caught in his throat, as Toby’s lips found and sucked at the
place between his neck and collarbone. He tilted his head to the side
allowing those lips better access to traverse his flesh.  

Chris felt a hand slide into the waistband of his boxers, tugging them
down a bit as it went. He grinned. “Eager for something?” he asked. He
swore his voice sounded strange in the silence of the pod, softer and
rougher, somehow. 

As Toby took a small step back, his legs pressing against the bottom bunk,
Chris reached out a finger and traced the smirk that was currently gracing
his lover’s face. Toby licked the finger as it slid across his lip,
sucking in the fingertip for just a moment. The light, wet touch of Toby’s
tongue went straight to Chris’s groin. He felt Toby’s hand slide into the
fold of the boxers and pressed into the touch. 

“Just as eager as you,” Toby whispered, his smirk widening. He swirled a
finger over the tip of Chris’s penis, before returning his hands to the
boxer’s waistband and carefully sliding them off. Chris didn’t see any
reason to object. When the boxers reached the floor, he stepped out of
them, and kicked them out of his way.  

He moved in closer, causing Toby’s hands, which were resting on his waist,
to slide around his back. Chris wrapped his arms around Toby, and their
chests touched. Yes that was what he needed, Toby’s skin against his own.
He pressed his hips forward, and his penis came into contact with Toby’s
thigh, but instead of meeting skin, he felt the cotton of boxers. Those
had to go. 

Chris pulled back slightly so he could look at Toby. “And these?” he
asked, tugging at the bottom of Toby’s boxers with one hand. 

Toby pressed his lips together, as if he was considering his answer very
seriously. His gaze raked over Chris tantalizing with its intensity.
Toby’s lips curved slightly, and he said, “Well, they’re not going to
remove themselves. So?” 

Jesus. Toby was so damn hot with that small smirk on his face and that
self-assured look. It made Chris picture what Toby must have been like in
a courtroom. He could imagine him wearing a perfectly tailored suit and
oozing confidence, as he tried to sway a judge or a jury, with the twists
of his argument.  

Toby sure of himself, going with his mood, whatever it might be,
completely fascinated Chris. Whenever they kissed, it often seemed like a
challenge met, but Chris never knew how Toby would meet that challenge,
hot and hard, slow and soft, or in some new and delightful way. He could
never completely follow Toby’s moods, but they never left him bored.  

He matched Toby’s smirk and reached for the article of clothing that was
keeping Toby from being naked. Slowly, he removed the boxers, his fingers
gliding along skin ever so lightly. Toby shivered, and Chris felt the
vibration travel through his fingertips and into his own body. 

When the boxers finally hit the floor, Toby stepped out of them and pushed
them out of the way with his foot. He waited for Chris to stand, and then
pressed his hand against Chris’s chest, hard, as he kissed him even
harder. 

Chris slipped a hand into Toby’s hair, threading his way through the
curls, and returned the kiss with equal force. As his mouth dueled Toby’s,
conquering and surrendering, the thought briefly ran through his mind that
at least when it came to sex, he and Toby had managed to banish any demons
that lurked between them. Or actually it would be more accurate to say
that Toby had banished those demons, and it seemed he had done so in one
night. 

It was a night Chris remembered vividly. Toby whispering about a fantasy
he had of the two of them making love in some house by the beach, as he
demonstrated exactly what they were doing in that fantasy. The whole thing
had been fucking incredible. There had been no tentative gestures that
night. Toby had gone after what he wanted, and Chris had been shocked and
elated to learn that what Toby wanted was to be inside him. He had thought
at the time that it couldn’t get better. He was wrong. Every time he
touched Toby, every time they made love, it was better. Once the lights
were out, Toby gave into desire fully, be it his own or Chris’s.  

It was always fucking incredible, Chris thought as he and Toby paused in
their kissing, both breathing heavily. “Incredible,” he whispered against
Toby, as he licked his way along the collarbone and over to the middle of
Toby’s neck. From that point, Chris lazily licked a straight line
downward, over the navel, and directly to the penis. 

On his knees now, Chris licked at the tip of Toby’s penis, teasing little
strokes, before taking just the tip into his mouth and sucking on it. As
he removed his mouth, he heard Toby strangle a moan, and he gazed upward.
The sight that greeted him was stunning. Toby had leaned back, and his
hands were gripping the top bunk. His head was tilted to the side exposing
every inch of his neck. Chris could hear Toby’s shallow breathing, and he
watched the rapid movement of his chest.  

He spared one last glance at Toby’s closed eyes and flushed face before
returning his attention to Toby’s penis. Chris stretched his hands up so
that they were resting on Toby’s back, and then lowered his mouth slowly
over his lover’s penis. He heard another strangled groan from above, but
this time he didn’t look up. He didn’t need to. In his mind, he could
picture the flushed pleasure on Toby’s face. 

As his mouth continued its relentless massage, Chris could feel Toby’s
penis thicken. His tongue lavished attention on every area — both sides,
the tip, and the underside of the shaft. Chris ran his hands down Toby’s
back until they reached his butt where he began to knead each cheek. He
traced a finger along Toby’s crack, sliding down until he found the
opening he was seeking. He pressed teasingly against the sensitive spot,
and Toby began to rock his hips, thrusting slightly into Chris’s mouth. 

Chris felt so empty and free. The feel of Toby, the way he tasted, how he
smelled, all of it wrapped around and through Chris. No one had ever made
him feel like this. It was as if in this moment, he was part of Toby, and
Toby part of him. Nothing else mattered, but this. For right now, they
were free. 

A low moan reached Chris’s ears, and he felt Toby stiffen, and then he
could feel the shaft in his mouth pulse. He swallowed as Toby came, and a
short while later, he removed his mouth. Toby’s hand grabbed his shoulder,
urging him to stand. Chris did, and he was immediately pulled into Toby’s
arms and kissed.  

Toby was still trying to catch his breath, so the kisses were short, and
Chris thought also a bit desperate. He could tell that Toby needed
something tonight. He didn’t yet know what it was, but he knew he would
before the night was through. And whatever Toby needed was fine by him,
because all he needed was Toby. 

They moved into the lower bunk, still kissing. Toby pressed Chris onto his
back, and then began an exploration of Chris’s body using his mouth. He
licked, he sucked, and he nibbled practically everywhere except Chris’s
penis. It was exquisite torture. Chris ached with arousal, and several
times he almost begged Toby to just fuck him, but he held his tongue. Even
though he was so aroused that it hurt, Chris didn’t want Toby to stop. The
longer he could endure, the longer this would last, and maybe if it lasted
longer, the feeling of Toby wrapped around his soul would linger longer.
Maybe it would linger fucking forever. He just hoped to Christ that one of
the goddamn night hacks didn’t come by on their nightly rounds anytime
soon. 

With no warning, Toby stopped his teasing, and in one motion, engulfed
Chris’s penis with his mouth. The sudden pressure in a spot where he
craved it the most almost made Chris scream. His hands grasped at the
bunk’s sheets as he bit down on his bottom lip. He couldn’t stop the
involuntary jerk of his hips.  

Then, just as quickly the pressure was gone. Toby had stopped. “Fuck,”
Chris muttered. Jesus Christ. Now he was going to beg. 

He felt Toby’s penis, hard again, graze against his stomach, and Chris
arched upwards, needing Toby to finish this. He started to tell Toby that
he wanted him *now*, but the words froze on his lips when he looked at
Toby. The expression on his face was so desperate. 

“Toby?” Chris said, his voice a bit breathless. He reached out a hand, and
ran it down the side of Toby’s face. He watched Toby shake his head
slightly, almost as if he was trying to dismiss some thought. He smiled,
but Chris thought that smile looked a bit strained. 

“Hey…” he started to say, but Toby cut him off with a kiss. Then, he moved
to lie beside Chris. He reached for Chris’s arm, guiding him to lie on top
of him. One arm slipped beneath the pillow, and he pulled out a tube. He
pressed it into Chris’s hand.  

Toby had just told him what he needed. 

As he flipped open the lid to the lube, Chris wondered if something had
happened today that had gotten to Toby. What was going through his mind?
Now wasn’t the time to ask. He coated a finger with lube, but as soon as
he pressed it against the opening, Toby’s hand grabbed his wrist, halting
him. He looked up, surprised. 

“Chris…Please,” Toby said, his voice cracking, even as he spread his legs
wider. 

Chris rested a hand briefly on Toby’s thigh before picking up the lube
again, and this time coating his penis. He understood clearly that Toby
didn’t want to wait a longer. Shit, neither did he, but still Toby’s
behavior concerned him.  

He wiped his hand on the sheet before turning back to Toby who lifted his
legs, placing his right leg over Chris’s shoulder and wrapping his left
around his back. Chris positioned himself and pressed in slowly. Fuck,
yes. 

He heard Toby release a long hiss of breath, and he leaned down and placed
a light kiss on his lips. Chris pulled back a little, and then started to
move slowly, watching Toby the whole time. Toby’s eyes were closed, and he
was making short, low sounds that Chris could barely make out. 

Toby pressed his left foot against Chris’s back and arched upward, pulling
Chris deeper into him. “Oh God yes, Chris. Yes. I need you. Oh God, I need
you.” 

Chris was stunned by Toby’s words. It overwhelmed him that Toby trusted
him enough to admit that he needed him. This time he’d be worthy of that
trust. 

He placed another gentle kiss on Toby’s lips and said softly, “I’m here.
Whatever you need, I’m here.” 

“Harder, Chris, fucking harder. I want to feel all of you,” Toby said
gasping between each word. “I need you inside me. Make me part of you.” He
pressed upward capturing Chris’s lips in a hard, bruising kiss.  

With Toby’s mouth sealed over his, Chris felt like he was breathing in
Toby and letting Toby breathe him in. He wondered how he could feel like
he was floating, flying somewhere above, while at the same time being
fully aware that every inch of his body burned, yearning for a physical
release. Coherent thought left him, and all that remained was feeling,
which was all that was needed. 

Chris rocked into Toby hard and fast, guided by the pressure of Toby’s
foot on his back, which urged him to increase the pace. Their lips parted
only for short breaths; they swallowed each other’s moans. Chris’s hand
was entwined with Toby’s in a grip so hard that their fingers were leaving
marks on the each other’s hands.  

His muscles clenched, and then Chris felt pleasure release through his
body. He started to call out “Toby,” but only managed to get the “T” out
before Toby cut him off with a kiss. When Toby released his mouth, Chris
gasped for air. Seemingly from a distance, he heard a low moan as Toby
came.  

When Chris was able to breathe, he started to pull out, but Toby held him
tight, keeping his legs where they were and wrapping his arms around
Chris. They stayed that way for a minute or two longer, before separating.
Chris lay on his side and pulled Toby into his arms. 

“I love you, Toby,” Chris said. 

Toby’s hand massaged Chris’s arm, clenching and unclenching. “Yes,” he
said, with a long exhale. His hand stopped moving, but his grasp was still
firm. “Yes,” he said again, stronger. 

Chris’s lips quirked. It hadn’t escaped his notice that every time he
said, “I love you,” Toby responded by saying, “yes.” For whatever reason,
Toby didn’t seem able to say those words, yet. Still, the way he said
“yes,” conveyed it just the same. Chris could wait to hear those words
again. If Toby needed more time to feel comfortable saying, “I love you,”
that was fine. He knew Toby loved him. It was in his eyes, in his touch,
and in the way he trusted him. 

He had worked so hard to regain Toby’s trust and love, and it was so
unreal that he had it again. He wouldn’t fuck this up. That Toby not only
forgave him but also was willing to trust him again, to need him, had to
be a miracle. God had never shown Chris any miracles before, but he
thanked him for this one. No, he wouldn’t fuck this up.  

Toby stirred beside him, and then slipped out of the bunk. He walked to
the front of the pod and looked out for a minute before heading over to
the sink. Chris felt a twinge of disappointment as he watched Toby clean
himself off. They’d both be in separate bunks in a few minutes, and Chris
couldn’t help wishing that, just once, he could fall asleep with Toby in
his arms. Yeah, it might be a bit uncomfortable, but he’d deal with that
if it meant waking with Toby next to him. The fucking hacks would never
allow it. 

Chris spread out on the bunk, tucking his hands behind his head. He was
surprised when Toby came back over to him, a towel in his hand, and sat
down on the bunk. Chris closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of Toby
wiping him clean. Toby had never done that before. He opened his eyes when
he felt a light kiss on his lips. 

“There, you’re all clean,” Toby said. He smiled and trailed a finger on
Chris’s chest. 

“Thanks.” Chris smiled back. He watched as Toby placed the towel in a
laundry basket. He waited, expecting soon to see Toby’s feet dangling as
he hauled himself into the upper bunk, but Toby surprised him again. 

“Move over,” Toby said, getting back into the bunk. Lying on his side, he
rested his head on Chris’s chest. 

Chris slipped his arm over Toby, and he wanted nothing more than to just
close his eyes and lay there like that, but he couldn’t risk it. He didn’t
know which fucking hack was on duty tonight, so he didn’t know if they
were risking being yelled at or tossed into the hole. 

“Toby,” he said reluctantly. “You should go back to your own bunk. It’s
gotta be time for one of the hacks to patrol.” 

“Nah,” Toby said lifting his head. “Carter’s on duty tonight. I heard him
complaining yesterday to Sister Pete about this cold he had, and how he
couldn’t afford to call in sick, even though he felt like death. He whined
to her for fucking forever. I looked out before I cleaned up, and he’s
down there, sitting in a chair, his feet up. Trust me, he’s not planning
on doing his job anytime soon. We’ve got time.” 

 “I’m glad you keep track of the hack’s schedules,” Chris said with a
grin. 

“One of us has to,” Toby said and yawned. He placed his head back on
Chris’s chest and closed his eyes. 

Chris relaxed, enjoying this rare opportunity. He wondered what had been
bothering Toby earlier. Had something happened or was it just Oz getting
to him? Whatever it had been, it didn’t seem to be bothering him now. He
seemed at peace, and as Toby had so much trouble finding peace, Chris was
reluctant to question him. Toby’s mind rarely cut him a break, and if it
was relatively quiet now, Chris didn’t want to chance triggering nine
million thoughts. It could wait. He’d watch Toby carefully tomorrow, and
if something seemed wrong, he’d ask him about it then.	

His gaze fell on the sliver of light that was coming through the front of
the pod. It struggled its way through the darkness, illuminating the dingy
floor. Throughout most of his life, it had always seemed to Chris that the
darkness was never ending. Even in the daylight, it was there, waiting on
the edges to swallow you.  

Toby sighed, and Chris looked down at him. He placed a kiss on the fair
head and then closed his eyes. The darkness didn’t consume he tonight. In
his mind, it didn’t even seem dark, just comfortingly warm. Chris yawned.
It was nice to be able to rest in the light.  Drop a line, send some
feedback to CatHeights