Go Straight to Hell, Boy - part 17/17            [Home | Quicksearch |
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  Go Straight to Hell, Boy - part 17/17 by Ralu  

 Count the years, the days, the hours...the minutes, the fucking seconds
'til you're *out*, one way or the other.

 Everybody does that in here, even those that will never get out. And in
the meantime, they try to stay alive...most of them anyway.

 Living the mockery of a life they've been handed. The life they've
CHOSEN. Nobody's got any right to complain.

 Not Ryan O'Reily - who's managed to destroy not only his own life, but
the life of his brother; the only person he's ever cared about with all
his being, in his entire life.

 Not Vernon Schillinger - caught up in his hatred for his father, for that
black drug dealer who got him sent to Oz in the first place, for everybody
and everything...even his own sons - his only reason for living; his
biggest failure.

 Not Christopher Keller - going from one screw up to another with his eyes
wide open, wrapping himself up in the feeble, disappointing illusion of
love and the salvation it promised.

 And not even Tobias Beecher - blaming everybody and everything for his
own weaknesses, his bad judgment; blatantly incapable of understanding, of
learning anything from his own experience. Forgiving and forgetting,
instead of *remembering*...

 But do any of them learn anything, ever?!... Do any of them change?...

 ***************************

 Moments like these...Beecher misses Said. A hidden heartache - stacked up
inside other heartaches - surfacing from time to time as a reminder of
just how completely alone he really is. How isolated he is - always was
-in Oz. Living, breathing among a throbbing mass of bodies; not real
people. Bodies. Intimacy, closeness...that's what he misses the most. He
had that with Said; he had it...(--with Chris.) Not anymore.

 "Chris."

 All over again. Repetition - the mother of being.

 Keller's eyes slowly focus onto the figure that's just stepped in his
pod. He closes the book he's been reading, and moves his thumb across its
cover.

 "Hey." His voice is so quiet, lacking rhythm; head slightly moving from
left to right, teeth chewing on the inside of his cheek. "You've talked to
Pete?"

 Beecher nods approvingly, rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand.
How in God's name did they end up here? Like this?... Toby wants to get
closer to him, to feel his warmth - that which always used to give him
comfort, encouragement. But he doesn't. Things have changed; everything's
changed. And it won't ever be the same, no matter what.

 "Why are you doing this?" Toby asks under his breath, gazing at the other
man.

 Keller draws a long breath staring right back at him. He knows Beecher is
suspicious; he's got every right to be. After all, he's fucked him over so
many times...broken his trust. Proved him, on countless occasions, to be
so unbelievably fucking wrong in giving Keller any kind of credit. 

 "Pete must have told you..."

 "Yeah, Pete told me. But I wanna hear it from you." His voice is raw,
demanding. No trace of that machine-like coldness Beecher has been
spreading around him like some kind of a fucking protective haze over the
last few months. This is Beecher at his best. Wild cat determination.

 Another ragged breath; Toby is gonna make this as hard as possible.

 "I wanna make things right..."(--'for once.'--)

 And...Oh, my God!... Hadn't he said that before too? (--'How many times
are you gonna say it Chris?... 'Til he gets it.'--) Until Toby understands
that he actually means it.

 "Oh...and why does *that* sound familiar?!..." Beecher asks
sarcastically. "What are you after?"

 (--'What am I after?!... God, you can be such an idiot sometimes.
Or...maybe not.'--)

 "Look. You wanna get out, right? I'm... I'm letting go." (--'Letting
*you* go. That's all I can give. What more can I give?...'--)

 Bad choice of words. (As always.)

 "You sound like Schillinger."

 Keller frowns for a second, pain and anger clouding his eyes. He looks
down at his hands. What the hell can anyone answer to that?

 "I'm not yours to *let* go," Toby points out coldly. "Never been."
(--'Something that you keep forgetting, Chris.'--)

 "I know," Keller replies, rubbing his palm. He looks up and meets
Beecher's ugly, distant squint, thinking: 'Jesus, you never make anything
easy, do you Toby? You just gotta twist everything to shit, you fucking
bitch. I'm giving you everything; giving you my life. Can't you just
fucking take it for what it is?' "I know," he repeats, voice thicker and
harsh.

 His brain's squirming to find the right measure, a way out of this maze
of words Beecher has always known how to entangle him in. Suddenly he
realizes: Toby's unspoken truth, what the other man had always silently
thrown between them like an unsurpassable gap, an accusation - 'You don't
know me.' (Never did, never will. Never even tried to.)

 Well, Toby...I guess you don't know me either, he thinks. (--'Maybe it's
time you found out. So you can finally let go yourself.'--)

 He springs out of his bunk, his overwhelming figure spreading like a
shadow over Beecher. The other man can't help but try - in vain - to hold
back a small shiver.

 "You know To-by," Keller says in that low, way-too-intimate tone of voice
Beecher knows so well - intimate enough to hurt; intimate enough to sound
unmistakably threatening: "...you always used to tell me I never said
anything about myself, remember? You kept whining about it, 'member?"

 He's now so close to the other man, Toby feels like Keller's sucking the
air out of his lungs; he wants to move, to walk away, fucking *run*...but
he knows that would be a sign of weakness. And besides, Chris would
probably stop him; grab him, fucking strangle him just to keep him near.
This is Keller-on-automatic-pilot here talking, crawling into him;
touching him withOUT even putting a finger on Toby's skin.

 Sucking him in; taking him whole. (--'Jesus, oh Jesus...'--) Half
reeling, dizzy and hollow on the inside, a thousand champagne bottles
popping open at the same time in his ears... Toby hears - no, *senses* -
Chris' words quietly forming in the back of his throat; his mouth is so
close to Toby's, he can't hold back a whimpered gasp. 

 "Well, I'm tellin' you now, so pay attention, okay? 'Cause this is good
shit, To-by..."-- strong arms encircling the other man's body, palms
resting onto the pod's wall; still NOT touching him, face just inches away
form Toby's. "Useful," he spews out almost sarcastically. (--'If the bitch
won't get it the right way, try the wrong way. The one's already familiar
with. The one he always associates you with, in the first place...'--) 

 "Back the fuck away," Beecher whispers, hot breath and mint flavored
toothpaste melting onto Chris' tongue. 

 Keller's eyes linger for a second on the other man's mouth, a tinge of
desire, hunger sparkling beneath lowered eyelids. (And sorrow.) Yeah,
sorrow; the kind...(--'that rips your fucking heart out.'--) He wants, he
needs to back away...but he doesn't. Toby's trapped between his arms; like
a caged bird. He's got to get this over with. Leaning in even closer,
tilting his head a little:

 "I killed them all; all three of them. I fucked them and then I killed
them. Dumped their bodies after..." He closes his eyes, tongue flicking
over his teeth for a second. A sour grin spreads on his face, looking
straight into Beecher's eyes. He sees fear dancing behind his pale blue
irises. "Snapped their necks - two of them...stabbed the other. Don't ask
which, I don't even remember what they looked like. They meant shit to me,
just something warm to stick my dick into. They were just bodies...things
that stood in my way." Lips brushing against fresh shaven jaw, feeling the
other man instinctively jerking away. "Happy now Beech?"-- hoarse voice
soaking into Toby's sweat drenched skin, tongue sliding across strained
muscle: "You've got your confession."

 Chris knows Toby's gonna be punching him any minute now to free himself,
to get away from him; he's counting on it. Throw enough bullshit to freak
him out and make him fucking face the music already: Chris is a murderer,
he's confessed and now he can turn him in without his goddamn conscience
getting in the way. He's counting on it. But - as always - Toby proves to
be predictably unpredictable.

 "Things that stood in your way," Beecher whispers, forcing Keller to look
at him. "That's what you said... What *way* Chris?"

 Keller moves away from the other man turning his back at him. A soft
chuckle filters through the distant noises slithering in from outside the
pod: Poet laughing, the Muslims praying. O'Reily yelling at somebody. The
world keeps spinning, alright.

 "What *way*, Chris?" Toby repeats even quieter this time.

 Chris covers his face in his palms for a second; then he half-turns
towards Beecher, eyes roaming over his entire being. A
half-crooked/half-shy smile settles on his face as he nervously rubs his
knuckles across his jaw and mouth. He loves this man. He loves him so
much.

 "Nothin's simple with you Toby, is it? You just can't take 'simple'..."

 "Chris..."

 "I am giving you," Keller interrupts him, raising his hands in utter
surrender: "...the only thing that I can. The one thing that I've got
left..."-- his voice is breaking up, tense and shivering: "...what you
need out of me, okay? Just take it, okay? Just fucking take it, Toby."
(--'Please, take it.'--)

 Beecher's mouth opens. No sound comes out though. He's breathing heavily
and his lowered, red-rimmed eyes seem frozen under tired, swollen eyelids.
After a long moment of complete, eerie silence, he looks up at the other
man, tears glistening in his blue eyes.

 "The State's gonna kill you," he whispers. (--'I'm gonna kill you.'--)

 "I know."

 So powerful. So devoid of doubt. So complete. (A full circle.)

 'Your kids need you, not their grandparents. This is the only way to do
it...'-- Chris' words and his own blending in Toby's mind - one body. One
soul. Whispered in the other man's soft voice:

 "It's your only shot, Toby."

 Chris is smiling; a bit sad, a bit relieved nice little smile. Toby
smiles back.

 "You're my knight in shinning armor..." (--'Always have been.'--)

 "I wouldn't go that far," Chris says, letting out a low, amused chuckle.
"If I didn't take care of your ass, who would?" 

 Moments of silence pass between them like water. The heart's deepest
forgiveness. (Grace.) Time itself is standing still.

 "I love you, Chris. I never stopped...not for a second."-- a beat of
quiet mutual understanding; an endless string of spoken and unspoken
feelings captured inside three little words: "I love you."

 So powerful. So devoid of doubt. So complete. (A full circle.)

 Keller just nods, turning his back on the other man. Hearing his steps
slowly dissolving behind him.

 ******************************

 "I love you too, Toby."

 Whispering into darkness; whispering in his own pillow, for only the
cold, transparent walls of Em City to hear. Whispering into the void of
his own life. And - pretty soon - into the void and the darkness of his
own death. His (other) only certainty. And everybody else's.

 ---the end--- 

  Please send feedback to Ralu.