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 Inspired by Kristina. Unbeta'd.
  
  The Wedding by Ralu  

 Location: that crappy stage in the Cafeteria where Poet reads his poems.
Characters: Hill as the Narrator, Ryan O'Reily as the groom's best man,
Vern Schillinger as the bride's maid, Mukada as the priest, Said as his
sidekick, ChrisandToby +the Audience. Oh, and sporadic appearances of the
Writer, Allah bless her soul. 

 (lights go on, one by one - enters Hill)

 Hill (wearing a tuxedo and a hat): "Ladies and getle...well, ladies
mostly, not a whole lotta gentlemen read this kinda crap, from what the
Writer has told me during the private conversation she and I had backstage
not too long ago, when she flirtingly showed me her--"

 Writer (annoyed): "Get on with it already, Augustus. It's private, don't
you get the meaning of the word?"

 Hill: "Private? In here?! Darling, being the *Writer* of this piece of
crap, you of all people should know that there is no such thing as--"

 (Writer walks out muttering in Romanian, infuriated)

 Hill (sighing): "Oh well, whatever. Can't feel anything anyway." (turning
towards the audience) "Where were we? Yeah, the D-day, the moment every
Ken-abusing little girl dreams about while watching 'The Young and the
Restless' with her Hubby-abusing mommy, learning new tricks and schemes
from Nicky and Vicky on how to get her little paws on...wait, wait, wait a
fucking second, this doesn't make much sense, does it?"

 Writer (from behind the curtain): "Did it on purpose, asshole. How does
it feel, huh?"

 Hill (rolling his eyes): "Hey, it's your damn story, darling, you do
whatever you want with it. Look at our local God, see what he's done with
us, that bitch. And what did the audience say about that?..."

 Writer (huffing behind the curtain): "Okay, okay. Certainly don't wanna
end up like him."

 Hill: Yep. "Can you spell cru-ci-fiction, darling?"

 Writer: "Okay, OKAY!... Jesus, you're worse than my mother."

 Hill: "Hey, you're writing me, darling. Just tell'em like I see'em."

 Writer: "Fine, go on. And stop calling me 'darling'!" 

 Hill: "Sure thing, sweetheart." (turning towards the audience again)
"Before my temporarily appointed Maker decided to show us all just how
testy she can be, I was just about to inform you of the big event the
Writer has prepared for us over here, in the merry land of Oz. Or
not-so-merry for some of us..."

 (curtain opens and Ryan O'Reily is shoved onto the stage while the
audience cheers)

 O'Reily (wearing a dark suit that's too small for him and a pink tie,
blinking a couple of times while trying to read the 'I heart you,
Ryan'/'You sexy, sexy psycho boy' banners waving in front of him): "I
don't wanna be here. I want you all to know that I DIDN'T WANT TO BE
HERE!"

 Hill (checking his watch): "Hey, don't tell me, tell it to the
self-appointed Writer. It was all her bright idea."

 Writer (from behind the curtain): "Not mine, baby! Kristina's idea. Blame
her." (quieter) "I know I do."

 Hill: "So...O'Reily, make the fucking introduction already, I ain't got a
lot of time."

 Audience (in between cheering and catcalls): "Yeah, Ryan, make the
introduction. Strip, baby, STRIP!!!" 

 (O'Reily turns around and tries to get behind the curtain only to get
shoved back out)

 Writer (suffering from a rapidly developing God complex): "Make the
fucking introduction already, Ryan. Remember: I've made you and I can
break you just as easily."

 O'Reily (cocky): "Oh, yeah?"

 Writer: "You want me to bring Howell over here? You know, there can
always be a sequel to this story, baby. Play nice."

 (O'Reily stares back in horror towards the red curtain, then turns around
and starts squealing)

 O'Reily: "Dear audience...man, we've got quite a small audience, don't
we, Wheel-boy?"

 Hill: "Don't call me that."

 O'Reily (ignoring him): "And...they're all chicks. Pretty horny too, I
might add."

 Hill: "Of course they're all horny chicks, you moron. It's THE wedding,
'member? The one they never go to see."

 O'Reily (snickering): "Yeah, I *know* what they're ALL waiting for..."

 Hill (checking his watch again): "Will you get on with it already?! I've
got other business to attend to."

 Writer (from behind the curtain, laughing): "Yeah, he's got a plane crash
to catch all the way to Hawaii."

 O'Reily (distracted): "Hawaii?!"

 (all the sudden, from the audience, a girl jumps from her seat and onto
the stage, grabbing O'Reily's shirt)

 O'Reily: "Oh, yeah, baby..." (sees a name tag on her chest saying
'Claire') "Oh my God, no! No, no, no, not again!" (she's tearing up his
shirt) "NOOOOOOOO!..."

 (Ryan starts running towards the exit way only to be stopped by the rest
of the horny audience and dragged back onto the stage)

 Hill (yawning): "Hey, man, they wanna see the damn thing go all the way
through, you know? They'll rape your ass a bit later, don't worry. Just
say the fucking line."

 O'Reily (still shaking, fixing up his pink tie): "Didn't know I had such
a stage fright." (straightening his shoulders) "Dear ladies, or whatever
the fuck you are, here it is, the biggest event since some horny 14-year
old decided to invent the alternative female-oriented form of porn, a.k.a.
fanfiction: THE WEDDING. Or, shall we say, the FAG wedding, and I'm the
groom's best man, motherFUCKING FUCK!" (starts yelling, turning towards
the red curtain) "Why am I here, why the fuck am I here? And who's idea
was it to give me this fucking PINK tie anyway? I ain't a fucking faggot,
goddamn it, I ain't a fag!" (sobbing, wiping his eyes with his tie, Hill
rolling next to him, patting him on the shoulder and yawning again) "I
ain't a fag, I ain't a fag, I thought fucking God had already quite
fucking obviously fuckin' established that, goddamn it..." 

 Writer: "Hey, easy on the slurring, it's a goddamn wedding, okay? A bit
of respect. Besides...I am God now. And when I say you wear a pink tie,
you wear a pink tie, sweetheart. Capisci? At least, you didn't get to be
the bride's maid..."

 (the curtain opens and out comes from the darkness the Prince of Darkness
himself, Vern Schillinger, wearing a pink dress with a big blue ribbon
across his waist and a small, sparkling tiara on his bald head)

 O'Reily (laughing uncontrollably): "A little princess! He looks like a
little fucking princess!"

 Hill (cackling): "A very ugly princess...but a princess none the less."

 (Schillinger walks up to the microphone on his 10 inches stiletto heels,
not flinching once; and his Mascara looks perfect, by the way)

 O'Reily: "A fairy, a fuckin fairy! Can you fly, little fairy?" (moving
his arms up and down) "Flap-flap!"

 Schillinger (ignoring him): "I'm gonna kill the fucking inferior bitch
who wrote this, I'm gonna fucking kill her." (into the microphone, smiling
in front of a crazed audience) "Hello LAID-es, and welcome to the most
important event taking place in Oz at this moment--"

 Hill (muttering softly): "Up until the next riot, that is."

 Audience (increasingly impatient): "That's already been said, Vern."
(shouting) "We want Chris and Toby!" (chanting) "ChrisandToby!
ChrisandToby! ChrisandToby!!!"

 Hill: "And, by the look of this crowd, that riot ain't too far away."
(nodding) "Man, this Writer sucks!..."

 Writer (hiding behind the curtain): "I heard that!"

 (meanwhile, Vern still stands tall in front of a boiling audience,
proudly enduring the 'We hate Vern' crowd who's throwing chips and
pretzels at him)

 Vern (smiling and rearranging his slightly tilted tiara): "Now, ladies,
you *do* want this mockery of a wedding to actually happen, don't you?"

 Audience: "Boo!!!"

 Vern: "Oh, I know you do. So I'd suggest you SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

 (the crowd goes quiet; well...quieter)

 Vern: "Now that's better. My pseudo-Nazi sympathizer friend--"

 Writer (shouting): "I'm not a Nazi sympathizer, I'm not, I'm not!"
(quieter) Just like the uniforms, that's all."

 Vern: "If you say so, sweetpea. Without further ado - giving in to
hysteria - here is *the* wedding."

 (the curtain opens as the audience screams and cheers; on one side,
Schillinger taps his stiletto heels next to a very blushing Chris Keller
while on the other side O'Reily smokes a cigarette next to a very nervous
Tobias Beecher; in front of them, Father Mukada and Kareem Said stand side
by side, chained together at the waist)

 Mukada (sighing): "Sweet God, this is insane."

 Said (playing with his prayer beads): "Merciful Allah, this is just plain
stupid."

 Schillinger (rolling his eyes): "Don't you holy guys mean 'blasphemous'?"

 Hill: "Would you please get on with it already? Please?"

 Audience (chanting): "ChrisandToby! ChrisandToby! ChrisandToby!"

 O'Reily (towards Beecher): "Jeez, they really, really love you guys,
don't they?"

 Beecher (wearing the same black suit and a pink tie - but looking pretty
much like a lawyer nonetheless): "Well, I AM the main character, you know.
And Chris..." (looking at the other man, licking his lips) "Chris is my
favorite tag-a-long. And everybody else's." (leaning into O'Reily, softer)
"But don't tell him I said that." (loud enough for the audience to hear)
"He's my man!"

 (audience cheers - again)

 O'Reily (choking on his cigarette smoke, grinning): "Well, K-boy sure
desn't look like much of a MAN now."

 (cut to the man in question, dressed in a white wedding dress way too
small for him, trying to stare down at his own cleavage dcollet - checking
out the package)

 Keller (squirming): "Man, this is fucking tight. I can hardly breathe in
this shit. It's...arousing."

 Schillinger (checking out Keller's cleavage too, one eye brow raised
mockingly): "White? You?!"

 Keller (grinning): "What can I say, Vern? I'm a classic kind of guy."

 Schillinger (eyeing Beecher, smirking): "Yeah, you're 'classic' alright.
What's this...like your 20-th wedding or something?"

 Keller: "Nah, my fifth. But it don't matter, I'm finally gonna get my
hands on my baby. And fuckin' KEEP him, this time around."

 Schillinger: "Uh-huh, with the 'fucking' in the middle. Whatever,
Christopher." (quieter) "Dream on, cupcake."

 Writer (hiding under a chair): "Hit it, Augie!"

 (Hill leans over a stereo and pushes 'play': Billy Idol's 'White
Wedding')

 Hill: "Cliche-stricken all the way!..."

 Beecher, Keller, O'Reily, Schillinger, Said (all turning towards the
writer): "This song sucks!"

 Writer: "I DON'T CARE!"

 Mukada (moving his shoulders to the rhythm): "I love Billy Idol." (tries
to dance to the song, repeatedly hitting Said with the Bible in the
process) "Hey little sister who's your Superman, Hey little sister who's
the one you want..."

 Keller: "Hey, Padre--"

 Mukada (gazing around the room frantically): "Miguel? Miguel, where are
you?"

 O'Reily (laughing on Beecher's shoulder): "Miguel ain't here, Mukada.
Solitary, remember? Again."

 Mukada (sighing, looking very depressed): "Oh. Again."

 Schillinger (admiring his nail polish while repeatedly stepping on
Keller's train dress to hold him back from jumping on Beecher): "Not yet,
Chrissie, you dumb fuck. White wedding, remember?" (to Mukada) "Yeah
Father, you better make sure to bring Miguelito his *special* sandwich
after all this horseshit is over. Fuckin' Catholics."

 Mukada (looking with increased horror at the psychotically impatient
audience): "Yeah, I guess we should be getting started."

 Audience: "Finally!..."

 Mukada (coughs a couple of times, leans on Said for fraternal spiritual
comfort): "Dearly beloved, you have come together in this church so that
the Lord may seal and strengthen your love in the presence of the Church's
minister and this community. Christ abundantly blesses this love..."

 Keller (muttering): "I don't remember *ever* hearing this particular
part..."

 Mukada (annoyed): "That's because you've never gotten married in a
Catholic Church before, Keller. Don't interrupt me." (to himself) "Moron."

 Said: "Well, Mukada, he does have a point, as much as I hate to admit to
such an absurdity. (pointing towards Beecher) "He's not Catholic. This is
required when both...*partners* are Catholic."

 Schillinger: "Yeah, Beecher. What the fuck are you nowadays?"

 Beecher (looking confused): "Well, I guess I'm not a Muslim anymore...
(Said glares at him, Keller sighs with relief) But I'm not a...wait, what
the hell was I before anyway?"

 Schillinger (smiling): "Don't matter, sweetpea." (patting Keller's ass)
"This sack of shit over here's your God now, ain't he? Can you spell
FAGGOTRY?"

 Keller (looking even more confused) : "I used to think I was God, but I
ain't so sure anymore..."

 Hill (losing his temper): "Oh, will you fucking stop with this shit and
get the fuck married already? I'M LATE!"

 Keller (suddenly perking up): "Yeah, let's get to the good parts, Mukada.
I'm bored." (the audience cheers him on chanting 'good parts!') "And Vern,
you can take your hand off my ass now, fuck you very much. I ain't
interested."

 Schillinger (blushing and backing away from him): "As if!"

 Mukada (lighting up a cigarette from O'Reily): "Okay, I'll go with the
Hollywood version then."

 O'Reily (pointing towards the audience): "That's what they wanna see. And
fast."

 Mukada: "Have you come here freely and without reservation to give
yourself to each other in marriage?"

 Beecher: "Hmmm... *Here* as in Oz, Father?!"

 Keller: "Well, I kind of have."

 Beecher: "Well, nobody asked you."

 Keller (cleavage one step away from tearing up as Schillinger steps on
his dress again): "You marryin' someone else, Beecher?"

 Beecher (loosely restrained by a highly amused O'Reily): "Fuck you."

 Keller: "Fuck me? Fuck you, bitch."

 Mukada (yelling and bashing Keller over the face with the Bible while
consequently Said hits Beecher with the Qu'ran): "Settle the fuck down or
I won't marry you ASSHOLES any time soon, got that?"

 Audience: "Let them fight, let them fight! They're hot when they fight!"

 O'Reily (wistfully): "Yeah, and they usually try to kill each other too.
You sure you really want that?"

 (Audience relaxes)

 Mukada (to Said, comparing Sacred Books for blood smears): "We sure make
a great team, don't we?"

 Said (smudging a blood stain off the Qu'ran): "We're unbeatable, my
brother."

 Mukada: "Now, let's get on with it. Will you love and honor each other as
man and wife for the rest of your lives?"

 Beecher (wiping his teary eyes and rubbing his reddened forehead):
"Uh-huh."

 Keller (wiping the blood off his mouth): "Uh-huh."

 Mukada: "That's not NEARLY a 'yes'."

 Beecher/Keller (shouting): "Yes!"

 O'Reily (muttering to himself): "Jesus, this wedding's made in hell."

 Beecher/Keller: "We heard that!"

 Mukada: "Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up
according to the law of Christ and his Church? Oh wait, that's not exactly
appropriate."

 Schillinger (sneering): "And the rest of this charade is?!"

 Keller (confused): "Accept children?..."

 O'Reily: "It means fucking and having babies, you dickhead."

 Keller (eyes sparkling): "well, Beech already got kids, so--"

 Beecher (muttering): "Yeah, MY kids, not yours."

 Mukada: "Settle this AFTER the wedding, boys." (whispering to himself) "I
have to go and see Miguel, don't have time for your petty
misunderstandings." (to the others)"Any impediment which may prohibit
these two to become one in holy matrimony?"

 Schillinger/Said/O'Reily (together): "Apart from the obvious?"

 Mukada (rolling his eyes): "Apart from the obvious."

 Schillinger (checking his nails again): "Well, Keller's a slut and
Beechball's a nutcase and they'll eventually end up killing each other, so
nooooo, no impediment where I'm concerned."

 Said: "I abstain, out of friendship for Beecher, but I need to point out
that this is a blasphemy and Keller is--"

 Audience: "Worthless, no good piece of shit blah-blah, we already know
that, so SHUT UP, SAID!"

 Mukada: "O'Reily?"

 O'Reily (stopping from counting the money he made from selling tickets to
the audience): "Huh? No, father, no problemo for me, they keep the cash
flowing."

 Mukada (to Schillinger): "Take Keller's hand."

 Schillinger (embarrassed): "Why?"

 Mukada: "Just take his damn hand! Now place it over Beecher's."

 (the moment their hands touch - Beecher and Keller's, not Keller and
Schillinger's - the audience collectively goes 'aaahhh' while the Writer
starts writing on a piece of paper something about 'mushy sentimental
bullshit' and 'audience impact')

 O'Reily (to the audience): "Here comes the money part, you whackjobs!"

 Mukada (to Beecher): "Repeat after me: I, Tobias, take you, Christopher,
to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in
sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my
life."

 Keller (suddenly facing the new reality - and getting the proverbial
'cold feet'): "Hey, I may be wearin' a dress, but I ain't his fuckin'
wife."

 (they're all ignoring him)

 Mukada: "Christopher, do you take Tobias to be your..." (frowns, pursing
his lips) "husband? Do you promise to be true to him in good times and in
bad, in sickness and in health, to love him and honor him all the days of
your life? My God, this is stupid."

 Keller (losing patience): "Yes, yes!"

 Schillinger (grabbing Keller's ass again): "Settle down, boy."

 Keller: "Stop touching me, *Dad*!"

 Mukada (ignoring them both): "And do you, Tobias, take Christopher to be
your...wife?" (bursts into uncontrollable laughter, dropping the Bible
over Said's foot; the best man and the bride's maid join in)

 Schillinger/O'Reily (holding hands, dancing in circles): "Chris and Toby
sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G!..."

 Said (muttering to himself): "Schillinger and O'Reily holding hands,
these two getting married Catholic style...what is this world coming to?"

 Mukada (going through his messed up Bible, pointing towards the writer):
"Ask *God* over there, all her doing."

 Writer (raising her hands in the air): "Hey, it's funny." (shrugging
shyly) "Right?..."

 Hill (almost rising out of his chair): "Yeah, fucking delirious! MOVE
ON!"

 (the audience watches the entire scene dumbfounded, scratching their
heads)

 Beecher/Keller (both dragging away their respective counterparts, almost
embarrassed): "That's enough, had your fun. It's our turn now."

 Mukada (resuming his role while wiping the tears in his eyes): "Well, do
you Beecher?"

 Beecher (idly staring at a very nervous Keller tapping his red shoe):
"I...think..."

 Keller (screams, tearing out his own cleavage): "You think? YOU THINK?!
WHAT THE FUCK DOES *THAT* MEAN, TOBY?!"

 Mukada: "Hey, language!"

 Keller (almost crying with Schillinger's hands comforting his ass again):
"Fuck you, Padre, five fucking years of waiting, crawling, begging,
panting around him like he's Jesus fucking Christ or something and now he
*thinks*?" (turning towards Schillinger, definitely sobbing now) "There is
only so much a man can take, you know? The fuck, I married *and* divorced
Bonnie in five fucking years... It's not NATURAL!"

 Beecher (taking a deep breath, smiling just a little with O'Reily
snickering in his ear): "Okay, OKAY... Anything just to make you stop
*crying* like a little girl, Jesus..."

 Mukada (taking a break from playing rock-paper-scissors with Said): "So
you do?"

 Beecher (almost defeated): "Yeah, I do." (mockingly sweet) "Happy now,
Chris?"

 A voice from the audience: "Hey, maybe it's none of my business
but...this whole marriage thing is going all the wrong way."

 (Audience nods fervently)

 Writer (from under the chair, still taking notes): "Yeah, you're right,
It's none of your business, so sit the fuck down and shut up."

 O'Reily (grinning and checking out his collection of shanks): "Or she'll
send you to the Hole. Or worse."

 Beecher (yelling at a distracted Mukada resuming his rock-paper thing
with Said): "Hey, I said I DO! What are you waiting for?"

 Mukada (pursing his lips like a petulant child): "You have declared your
consent before the Church. May the Lord in his goodness strengthen your
consent and fill you both with his blessings. What God has joined, men
must not divide. Amen."

 O'Reily: "Yeah, A-MEN to *all* the 'men' part!..."

 Schillinger (watching Keller staring desolately at his ripped cleavage):
"Kinda makes a life statement about you, don't it, Chris? What's
that...existential *metaphor*?"

 Keller (very quietly): "Ask Beecher, he knows shit like that."

 Schillinger (mockingly-but-not-quite philosophical): "I'm sure he does.
So what's next?"

 Keller: "The ring exchange thing. If O'Reily hasn't already sold them."

 (at the other end of the rope, Beecher almost has to threaten O'Reily
with some serious throat slashing to make him give up the rings)

 Beecher (holding the rings): "Hey, Mukada, we're ready. Come on man, it's
almost dinnertime in the Cafeteria. People are hungry."

 Audience (perking up a little after almost falling asleep): "Yeah, hungry
for ChrisandToby!" (a small group in the audience) "RyanandMiguel too!"

 Mukada: "Okay, just take the ring."

 Keller (forehead buried in Schillinger's own cleavage): "Hey, you
gotta...bless those or something, first."

 Mukada (condescending): "And who named you 'Catholic of the Year',
Keller?"

 Audience (screaming): "Just do what he says already!"

 Mukada (blessing the rings): "May the Lord bless these rings which you
give to each other as the sign of your love and fidelity. Amen." 

 O'Reily (to Beecher): "You bought those, didn't you?"

 Beecher: "Figures. Keller can't even buy himself a pair of socks."

 Mukada: NOW...will you take the ring, *Mister* Beecher?"

 Beecher (as he takes the ring to put it on Keller's finger): "Take this
ring as a sign of my love and...shit, I forgot the rest. Father?"

 Mukada: "Fidelity, Goddamn FIDELITY! Is it so hard to keep that part in
mind?""

 Beecher (forcing the ring on Keller's finger, scratching the skin):
"Fidelity, if you say so. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and
of the Holy Spirit."

 Said: "The Holy Trinity is 'shirk', the foundation of all that's wrong
about Christianity--"

 Keller: "Yeah, blah-blah, nobody cares, so shut up. I'm tryin' to get
married here."

 Mukada (giving him the other ring): "So get married already."

 Schillinger: "Just say the magic words, sweetpea...and he's all yours."

 Keller (trying to put the ring on Beecher's finger): "Take this...Goddamn
fucking ring as a sign of my undying love and F-I-D-E-L-I-T-Y, Beecher. In
the name of the 'Shirk'. Amen."

 Beecher (rubbing his swollen finger): "You can't do anything right, can
you?"

 Keller: Yeah, and that's why you're marryin' me, baby."

 Beecher: "Cunt."

 Keller: "Bitch."

 Beecher (very calm and even): "I'll slash your fucking throat when you're
asleep."

 Keller (just as calm and even): "Try that and I'll break those pretty
arms of yours. Again."

 O'Reily (snickering): "Pretty arms?!"

 Schillinger (raising an eye brow): "Throat slashing?..."

 Audience (sensing the grand moment): "Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! KISSKISSKISS!!!"

 Hill (to the writer, hands in the air): "Give them what they want.
Deliver, sweetheart, it's why you're here."

 Writer (going through her papers, cursing): "I can't find the Goddamn
Bidding prayer and I ain't a Catholic so I don't know shit but I know
there has to be a fucking Bidding prayer, whatever the fuck that is."

 Hill (pointing towards the audience): "I think they can live without it."
(grabbing the writer's shoulder) "Hey, you listening?"

 Audience (yelling hysterically): "KISSKISSKISSKISSKISSKISS!!!..."

 Hill: "You think they give a shit about the Bidding Prayer?"

 Writer: "Guess not...but it's my duty to--"

 Hill: "It's your *duty* to not get us all mauled over here, okay? They're
freaking SAVAGES, man!... I'll give you a ride in my wheelchair, what do
you say?"

 Writer (pouting): "Fine. Only for the wheelchair ride."

 (Billy Idol's 'White Wedding' starts playing again for the obvious
delight of the audience - and Mukada only)

 Mukada (bouncing to the music): "Since our *beloved* Writer hasn't
bothered enough to find the Bidding Prayer...I pronounce you man and
wife."

 (a momentary look of confusion settles over the bride and the groom's
faces)

 Mukada: You're married, morons. KISS.

 (confusion dissipates fast) 

 Keller (practically jumping on Beecher, grabbing his tie): "FINALLY!"

 Beecher (suffocating): "You're choking me!"

 (audience goes wild, throwing all sorts of junk at them as makeshift
confetti; some strip, some cry overwhelmed by the intensity of a crazed
Keller smothering his new husband in a lovingly embrace; and they
kiss...and they kiss..and then they kiss some more)

 Hill (to the Writer): "You really ARE a lousy writer, aren't you?"

 Writer (jumps in Hill's lap, swapping spit): "Well, I try to do my best.
Now give me my wheel-Hill ride!"

 Hill (rolling his wheelchair on the stage around the newly weds): "At
your service, Ma'am!"

 (White Wedding booming on the stereo, Mukada inviting Said for some
brotherly dance, O'Reily negotiating in a corner with some horny members
of the audience while Schillinger sheds some crocodile tears watching the
bride and the groom making out, completely oblivious to the general mayhem
rolling around them)

 Hill: "Well, I guess this is the end of the story."

 Writer (almost crying overwhelmed with emotion, getting off his lap):
"Yeah, I guess it is."

 Hill (re-arranging his messed up tie and taking off his dreadlocks wig):
"In this case, you don't mind me getting the fuck out of here, do you?"

 Writer (teary eyed, sighing): "If you must."

 Hill: "Sadly, I must, my darling. Gotta go find my kid on that silly
Island show." (raising from his chair in front of a stunned audience; even
Beecher and Keller stop kissing, if only for a couple of seconds) "See you
in hell, scumfucks. I've got a plane waiting for me to crash and some
catching up to do with our dearly way-too-early departured Adebisi. He's
gonna be pissing his pants when he hears about this."

 O'Reily (jaw dropping on the floor): "Adebisi?!... You gonna kill
yourself or something?"

 Hill (grinning): "Even better, gonna be on a show that actually WINS some
Goddamn awards instead of only getting royally fucked in the ass ALL the
time, like this one did." (hat in the air, grinning even wider while
flipping them the middle finger) "Thank you for the lovely fag wedding,
and fuck you very much. Sayonara, losers!"

 (walks off)

 Said (blinking a couple of times, completely dumbfounded): "He can feel
his legs. He can WALK."

 Keller (tilting his head while loosening his grip on Beecher's tie):
"It's like the motherfucking resurrection or something."

 Beecher (still gasping for air): "Yeah, that's what our GIGANTIC love is
capable of. Now back the fuck off a little, I STILL have to breathe, you
know? Even though I married you..."

 Said (still blinking): "He can walk, he can walk. Allahu ackbar, Allahu
ackbar!"

 Keller: "It's a miracle, it's a fucking miracle. You and me gettin'
hitched, Beech, that's what caused it. It's a sign from God."

 Beecher: "Okay, just stop strangling me!"

 Schillinger (checking out his nails again, snorting): "Horseshit! The
nigger could always walk."

 O'Reily (raising an eyebrow while counting his cash): "Yeah, he was just
faking it all this time. It's a scam."

 Said (solemn): "It is God's hand."

 Keller (grabbing Said's shoulders in a bear hug, while Said remains
unresponsive, still blinking into thin air): "Yeah, yeah, Said, God's
fuckin' hand, that's what it is. Me and Beech, Hill walking around,
WooHoo! Allahuhu ackbaru, Allahuhu ackbaru, baby!"

 Beecher (rolling his eyes): "Oh, my God, not another religious dilemma,
not now, Chris. Please."

 Keller (kissing Beecher, then Said on the cheek, then Beecher again):
"Allahuhu ackbaru, Allahuhu ackbaru!" (yelling in Beecher's ear) "What do
you say, Beech, you think a little conversion would do good to our
marriage?" 

 Beecher (smirking): "Yeah, the multiple marriage partners part of
conversion, riiight?"

 Keller (equally smirking): "Oh, I was more interested in the honor
killing part..."

 Beecher (still smirking): "Of course, my sweet, *sweet* wife, how could I
have thought otherwise?"

 Said (finally coming to his senses and pushing him away): "You have got
to be JOKING. And besides, it's Allahu ackbar, you illiterate degenerate."

 Beecher: "Hey, Said, easy on my wife, okay? Can't call Chris 'illiterate'
whenever you feel like it."

 Said (very calm): "But he is."

 Beecher: "Yeah, but..." (whispering) "Give the guy a break, at least
don't say it to his face."

 Schillinger (approaching Keller): "Chris...can we talk a sec?"

 Keller (acting like a 4-year-old): "Go away."

 (Schillinger pats his ass a couple of times and Keller immediately gives
in)

 Schillinger (to himself): "Like talking to a puppy." (to Keller) "Listen
Chris, I uhhh...*congratulate* you on your marriage, but you know, if it
doesn't work out, you can always come back to me." (patting his ass again)
"You can always come back home. My door will always be open, my son."

 Keller (laughing a bit too nervous): "Yeah, riiight, *daddy*. As if!"
(walking back towards Beecher, stumbling in his torn out dress train) "I'm
a new fuckin' MAN, now. All grown up!"

 Schillinger (sighing): "Yeah, 5-th marriage, torn out wedding dress and
all, suuure..."

 Mukada (lighting up a cigarette next to a still miracle-struck Said):
"So, Kareem...rock paper scissors?"

 Said (sighing emphatically): "Sure, if you're up to it. I've had enough
God-thought for today."

 (they start playing again while O'Reily approaches a spit swapping
Beecher/Keller mash-up)

 O'Reily (disgusted, trying to look away): "Hey, could you cut that out
like for a damn second?"

 (Beecher pulls away while Keller keeps nipping at his jaw line, groaning)

 O'Reily: "That's better."

 Beecher: "What can we do you for, sweetpea?"

 Keller (still groaning in Beecher's ear): "Please, baby, no Vern-talk,
okay cupcake? It's a major turn-off."

 O'Reily (green eyes sparkling): "I've been talking uhhh...you know, to
the *audience*, and they're willing to... Jesus Christ, K-boy, could you
stop chewing on Beecher's ear for a fucking second so I can finish this
without throwing up?" 

 Keller (head resting on his husband's shoulder, looking dreamy): "Willing
to what?"

 O'Reily (thumb rubbing against the tips of his fingers): "Pay."

 Keller (licking at Beecher's Adam apple): "Oh, that thumb-rubbing thing
turns me on sooo much, do that again."

 Beecher (pushing Keller just a little bit): "Pay? Be more explicit."

 O'Reily (rubbing his thumb against his fingers again, grinning): "You
know, to get to see what the OTHER God never gave them. The wedding
night."

 Keller (nipping again at Beecher's neck, rubbing slowly against him):
"The *consummation*, you mean."

 O'Reily (looking at his feet, suddenly embarrassed): "Yeah, *that*. What
do you say?"

 Beecher (again pushing Keller away, harder this time): "No. I'm not a
fucking porn star, O'Reily." (looks over at the overtly hornyandanxious
audience, biting their nails) "Besides, this is intimate."

 O'Reily (sneering): "Intimate?! The whole of Em fucking City watches the
two of you every Goddamn night going at it and you talk of 'intimate'? Are
you out of your mind AGAIN, Law-boy?"

 Keller (grinning widely): "The whole? You ever watchin' us, O'Reily?"

 O'Reily (annoyed): "Shut the fuck up, I'm talking to your husband here,
Keller."

 Keller (ignoring him, whispering in Beecher's ear): "I'm thinkin' it's a
lot of cash, Toby and we ain't gotta do nothin' we ain't done before
so..."

 Beecher (cupping his face in his hands, smiling): "You're *thinking* a
bit too much, Chris. I love you so, and you know that, but no. This time
it's gonna be only you and I, nobody else."

 Keller (sighing): "I love you too, Toby."

 Beecher (hugging him): "Oh, I know. So, so much."

 O'Reily (walking away, mocking them): "You and I...and the rest of Em
City, hacks included. I love you, oh I love you too, Toby, so so mushhh...
What a waste! If only Beecher were Scott Ross, I'd be a fuckin'
millionaire. (yelling at the audience) "Nothing, laid-es!"

 (Audience deflates like a balloon)

 Voice from the audience: "But maybe we can arrange something to see you
jerking off?"

 O'Reily (giving it a thought for a second): "Nah, pass. Not my thing."

 (Audience continues debating over trying to arrange something with Mukada
or Said; nobody mentions Schillinger though)

 Schillinger (approaching the Writer, firmly glued to the B/K-kissing
bumpersticker): "Sooo, I guess this is where you gotta end it, right
sweetpea?"

 Writer (sighing): "I guess..."

 Schillinger: "Well...what the hell you're waiting for? The wedding's
over. And it's dinnertime. I'm hungry."

 Writer (checking him out): "Will you let me stay at your table in the
Cafeteria?"

 Schillinger (smiling and patting her ass): "Sure thing, sweetpea. I'll
even let you do my laundry, if you wanna. Or...give you a little tat on
that sweet cheek of yours."

 Writer (smiling and equally patting his considerably bigger ass):
"Well...I do find that Post Master uniform of yours sooo sexy and that
mail card drives me NUTS, so let's wrap this up, meine Fuhrer, you lardass
lousy imitation you."

 Schillinger: "Oh, you're quite a gal, cupcake. Shall I do the 'Exeunt
Omnes' thing?"

 Writer: "Be my guest. And do it right, this time around."

 Schillinger (steps in front of the stage, lights flashing on his bulky
figure in pink): "Well, ladies and laid-es, this has been THE WEDDING. Our
dashing heroes, Chris and Toby, one ex-prag/psychotic sentimental
schmuck/serial killer/serial husband plus some other 'serials' and...yet
another ex-prag, but this time
ex-lawyer/ex-husband/ex-widower/ex-alcoholic and hell of a lot of other
'exes', have FINALLY taken the big step...again. Why would ANYONE care to
see them or read - or write for that matter - about these two nutcase fags
getting married, I don't know. A woman's mind works - as my dear dead
Darlene used to say - in mysterious ways, and this..." (pointing towards
the audience taking pictures of the STILL kissing ChrisandToby) "this only
shows what a wise woman she was. And what great taste I have in women. And
prags, for that matter. Well, time to close this joint." (pointing towards
the ceiling) "Master Oz!" (lights slowly starts going off, one at a time) 

 (in darkness)

 "Hope you'll all stick around for tea and cookies in the Cafeteria.
And...what the heck, some Third Reich inspired chit chat!"

 ---the end---

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