|It isn't often lately that Simon has the chance to think
sex life, or lack thereof. He's fended off gentle flirting and
few more forceful offers, but mostly it's been with little
His rejections have almost been automatic.
Now though, he'd just had to tell Kaylee once and for all that while he appreciates her interest, he can't reciprocate. He talked about respect again, and told her she deserves someone with less problems than he currently has. Thankfully, it seemed to go well. Kaylee took the news the way she seems to take everything -- sweetly understanding, a shrug of acknowledgement, and a hug. He's glad she didn't seem hurt, because she's what he would consider the closest he has to a friend on Serenity.
Kaylee's sweet, and she makes him laugh, but the way she looks at him isn't quite what he wants. Kaylee looks at him the way he's seen her look at pretty, shiny things, objects or dresses that she wants, that she thinks she isn't quite allowed to have. Sometimes, she gazes at Inara in the same way. Simon understands that, but he doesn't want to be another bright, shiny item Kaylee's attracted to.
He's no longer the person she thinks he is, despite his formal clothes and educated language. Now, he fraternises with criminals, even orchestrates raids for them. He's been kidnapped, terrorised, used and this is his life now. He's not the pretty, privileged and powerful person he once was. When Kaylee looks at him that way, it reminds him of everything he's lost, the betrayal of people he thought loved him, and his almost hand-to-mouth existence now. It's an existence that depends on the good will of people whose morals he doesn't quite understand.
He doesn't want reminders of the past distracting him from what he needs to remember about the present.
If Kaylee looks at him with generosity and a little longing, the others look at him differently. The captain shows him tolerance. Zoe and Wash hardly see him at all, unless they need his help. They don't have eyes for much beyond each other, although sometimes Simon wonders at the way Zoe occasionally looks at the captain. River's needy, Inara's kind but distant, and the Preacher is careful, but Simon's never been quite comfortable with religion or faith.
Jayne watches him like a predator. It's not a new look, but there's something different about it the last few days. It's the kind of look that, in the past, he took care to avoid. Simon's never been one for mixing possession with pleasure. He's fairly certain that if he lets Jayne have what Simon is increasingly sure he wants, it will lead to disaster.
Still, he's unable to bring himself to discourage Jayne when the man comes around, awkwardly polite, holding stuttering and inarticulate conversations about trivial things. He can't quite tell Jayne he's not interested, that he likes his men a little less brutal and a little more educated.
He tries to imagine the look on Jayne's face if he did tell him. The almost-hopeful expression would shift to anger as Jayne's forehead creased with the beginnings of a scowl. There would probably be some blunt words about Simon's questionable charms, and maybe Jayne would thump the nearest object. Truthfully, Simon's not all that interested in seeing Jayne when he's spurned, although he's also not too worried that Jayne might push the issue, push Simon somewhere he doesn't want to go.
And there are many reasons he doesn't want to go. He's been thinking about this long enough that he has them all memorised. The list is almost enough to convince himself that he has no interest in Jayne.
It's late and he's sitting at his desk, staring at River's medical scans again, when Jayne makes his next appearance.
Inwardly, Simon sighs. "Hello." He hadn't anticipated another visit from Jayne quite so soon. As grateful as he is for what Jayne did on Ariel, he thinks now it was a mistake to be so effusive in his thanks. It seems to have drawn Jayne to him, almost against his will, considering how uncomfortable and bored Jayne sometimes looks when they're talking.
"Whatcha lookin' at?"
Sadly, not much. "I was just thinking about a few things. Looking over River's medical information again, trying to see if I've missed anything."
"Huh. Awful late to be still workin'."
Rubbing his hand against one temple, Simon looks up from the scan of River's brain. "Jayne, don't get me wrong, and please don't be hurt by what I'm about to say, but is there any reason you keep hovering around me?" He smiles quickly, trying to stave off how harsh his words sound. "It's not that I mind, but you've rarely had much interest in me or the infirmary, and it's just a little distracting that you keep coming around."
Jayne's eyebrows draw together. "Didn't realise you're so busy."
"Well, I'm not really, but it's just that --"
"I ain't your idea of company."
"No, it's not that."
Jayne shrugs. "No need to lie. I just figured you'd be happier if I tried to talk to you a bit first. Be all friendly and the like."
First? "First before what, Jayne?"
Simon closes his eyes. No. He really doesn't want to know. He wants to dismiss Jayne, not willing to hear what he knows is coming. Instead, he finds himself saying, "I don't."
"I seen the way you keep lookin' at me."
One day, Jayne's grammar is going to kill him. "How's that?"
Grinning, Jayne leans in close. "Like you want a piece."
Oh god. Simon tries not to gape at Jayne's graceless delivery.
"I figured you bein' educated and brought up all fancy, you probably like a little chatter before the action, maybe a little courtin' or else you're liable to put up a fuss."
Courting? This is Jayne's idea of courting? Simon would have classified it more as stalking, but maybe they're one and the same for the mercenary. "Jayne..."
"Know what? You talk to much. I've about had it with this dancin' around." Before Simon can respond, Jayne's hand is behind his neck, pulling him close. Simon opens his mouth to say something, he's not even sure what, but it's too late. Jayne's free hand covers Simon's mouth, not hard, just heavy. Simon finds himself moaning into that palm as Jayne's teeth scrape across his neck, gently worrying at his skin. It goes on for long minutes, the slide of slick lips and tongue up his neck, behind his ear, finally fixing on an earlobe.
One hand still covering Simon's mouth, Jayne slips his arm down and around Simon's waist, pulling him close. Fingers are worked under Simon's vest and shirt, and then Jayne's hand feels hot and huge against Simon's skin. He's seen that hand crush the jaw of an Alliance soldier, and he tries to keep the image in his head, use it to keep him focussed on getting out of this situation. It doesn't quite work because despite himself, Simon craves the feeling of skin against his, and Jayne's still Jayne, but this isn't so bad.
He tilts his head back a little, lets Jayne get a little closer. His hips are moving shamelessly against the other man, his hands clenched in the rough cloth of Jayne's serviceable shirt. It would be good to relax them, smooth them across Jayne's chest, maybe under the shirt, but Simon can't quite let go.
Still, Jayne is making approving sounds, muttering almost to himself, "Knew you'd be sweet like this."
Simon doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want the talking or anything that might remind him of more civil encounters with past lovers. So, he unclenches his hands, and lets them wander towards Jayne's belt, pulling efficiently at the buckle, and then starting to work on the buttons.
Jayne pulls back from his neck to grate into his ear, "You wanna do it here?"
Trying to ignore the question, Simon keeps undoing the buttons, lets his fingers slide slowly over the outline of Jayne's erection. He can't wait to get it in his hand. He hisses in frustration when Jayne pushes him back a pace.
"Here ain't the best place for this."
He doesn't care. Why can't Jayne just stop talking?
"You won't like it much if one of the others walks by, sees you in this state."
Why does Jayne have to pick this time to be considerate? Can't he see that Simon just wants to stop thinking for a few gorram minutes?
Jayne buttons himself back up, then reaches around to tuck Simon's shirt back into his pants. "I ain't real interested in havin' the captain on my ass for doin' you out here in public. And I don't want any interruptions neither, so let's move." He wraps his hand around Simon's elbow, and guides him gently out of the door. It's almost a solicitous movement, made more so by the slow circles Jayne's thumb is rubbing into the skin of Simon's arm.
They walk towards Jayne's bunk, not too quickly, but anyone who passes them would immediately see what is going on. Simon knows he must look a mess, and he suspects his neck has red marks all over it. Jayne is swaggering slightly, clearly aroused and anticipating. It's late though, and they don't encounter anyone in the corridors. Simon's not sure if he's relieved or disappointed that nothing is going to stop this.
They get into Jayne's room faster than Simon had anticipated, but he doesn't have much time to dwell on it, because Jayne is on him almost immediately. Thick fingers work at the buttons of his vest, surprisingly skilled. Simon feels some momentary guilt at his uncharitable thoughts about Jayne's fine motor skills, then pushes the feeling away and repeats his earlier actions, working on Jayne's pants. At he same time, he toes off the loose shoes he wears when he's on the ship.
There's no talking, and they're barely touching, but for the hands working on each other's clothes. Simon gets finished first, and quickly shoves Jayne's pants down over his hips. He smiles slightly at Jayne's grunt of relief. It's not much longer before Simon's vest and shirt are off, thrown carelessly on the floor. Simon is momentarily transfixed by the way the rich material of his vest glints in the dim light of the room. It's almost like a puddle of jewels.
He's brought back to reality when Jayne tugs his pants off, and pulls Simon to step out of them. Simon looks up, and can't help but think that Jayne looks ridiculous standing there with his pants around his ankles, stuck over his boots, his shirt still on and loose. The thought must show on his face, because Jayne scowls and then bends to unlace the boots. It's only a few moments before he's completely naked, his gaze raking over Simon's own body.
Jayne's not bad himself, nicely muscled, hairy in all the right places, and hard, ready for him.
"Could do with a little more muscle, but you'll get that on this ship."
If he doesn't get shot first. The thought gets interrupted when Jayne grabs his waist, pulls him close, and walks him backwards to the bunk. "We could do this standin' but I figure you're more of the lie-down type."
At this point, Simon is the standing type, the kneeling type, the flat-against-a-table type, he doesn't care. He just wants Jayne's mouth on him, he wants Jayne's cock and it doesn't matter how. Jayne must see it, because he smirks a little, saying,
"Knew you'd get all hot for it. Kinda want to see you beg a little, but I ain't got too much patience right now."
Simon's glad, because as far gone as he is, he doubts he could bring himself to beg Jayne for something, anything. It's not in his nature, no matter how much of a pushover the crew thinks he is, and he's not sure he can stand another disappointment right now.
The bunk hits the back of his knees, and Simon just folds down, sprawls across the rucked-up sheets, and pulls Jayne down with him. He twists his legs around Jayne's hips, and bucks up, gasping as his cock rubs against Jayne's. He arches back, wanting more, and Jayne laughs a little, pushing him down and just rubbing himself all over Simon, almost like he's marking territory. He probably is.
Grabbing at Jayne's hair, Simon angles himself up for a kiss, but Jayne turns his face away. Simon's shoulder and neck are covered with long licks and not-too-soft bites, and they're enough to keep him moaning as Jayne rubs against him, rough and eager.
Their scents permeate the room, and Simon breathes deeply of the smells he's been without for too long. He can hear himself gasping out, "Don't stop. Just don't stop," over and over, and of course, it being Jayne, he does stop and pulls back a little.
"Whoa, Doc." He's smiling, eyes lidded. "Take it easy."
Simon tries to think of the best expletives to throw at Jayne, who, it turns out, is an insensitive bastard in bed as well as in everything else. What a surprise. Before he can make up his mind where to start, Jayne is flipping them over on the small bed. Simon finds himself straddling Jayne's hips, cock stroking his backside.
Jayne is still smiling, an odd look for the man. "I got this picture in my head of you ridin' yourself into a lather. On me."
Simon closes his eyes at the thought, trying not to pant too hard. No one has ever said such things to him. It's always been gentle words and delicate euphemisms, and not many of those.
"How's that sound?"
It sounds obscene, and he wants it. Badly. "Workable," he manages to get out. He'll regret this tomorrow, he knows it, but right now, he doesn't care.
He raises an eyebrow at Jayne, and for once the man picks up on subtle cues. Jayne rummages his hand through the mess on the floor, his eyes never leaving Simon, and eventually comes up with a small metal jar. Simon takes it, opens it, and cautiously sniffs at the contents. There's no smell, and it looks dark and oily in the jar, but comes out clear and silky on Simon's fingers.
Lifting himself up, he reaches around behind himself and starts to work his fingers in and around. He closes his eyes, not quite able to look at Jayne watch him do this, but he can still feel Jayne's gaze, hungry and hard.
Jayne starts to stroke Simon's thigh and cock as Simon rocks back onto his own fingers. It doesn't take long before he's panting with pleasure, and he moves again so he can liberally coat Jayne's cock with the oil. He finally opens his eyes while he's doing it, taking in Jayne's half-grin and the slick redness of his cock. With one last twist of his hand, he moves again, ignoring Jayne's groan of frustration, and spreads his knees a little wider before holding Jayne and starting to sink down.
Jayne feels huge, and really, it's because he is, and it's been a long time for Simon. He takes his time, vaguely surprised Jayne isn't rushing him. Instead, the man is watching Simon carefully, sweat making his forehead sheen faintly.
When he's fully lowered, he pauses, trying to catch his breath. It's somewhat of a consolation that Jayne looks like he's under strain as well, his hands gripping Simon's thighs, not quite hard enough to leave bruises. In the back of his mind, something in Simon knows he'll be glad of that tomorrow.
Jayne's breaths are harsh, gasping sounds, and Simon wants to sit and listen to them for a while, let himself get lost in them, knowing he's responsible. He doubts Jayne would take that so well though and anyway, he can't wait much longer himself.
Shifting to brace his palms against Jayne's chest, his fingers tangled in dark hair, he levers himself up, gasping as Jayne's cock slides inside him. Hands move from his thighs to his hips, and Simon feels himself being lifted slightly, then guided back down, not too fast, but more than enough to make him groan.
It feels wonderful, Jayne's cock sliding deeply into him, then more shallowly before repeating the pattern. Jayne's hands urge him to move faster, so he does, for a while aware of nothing outside of the pleasure of Jayne pushing into him, and the warm skin under his fingers. Simon clenches his fingers as Jayne thrusts upwards, hard. He hears Jayne hissing, maybe because Simon's fingers are digging into him, maybe not. He doesn't care.
It doesn't take long for his wrists to begin to ache from supporting himself, and his thighs start to burn slightly with the strain, but he can't stop. He just keeps rocking as Jayne's hips move ever more quickly, and he can't even hear, he's so wrapped up in the sensations.
Jayne's forefinger brushes across his lips, and Simon realises he's biting himself. Instead, he opens his mouth and bites down on the finger, hopefully not to hard. He lets go after a minute, and Jayne's hands circle his hips again, this time pulling him down hard, then back up fast, faster than necessary, but Simon loves it. He collapses to his elbows and just grinds himself down, clenching enough that Jayne starts to curse. It doesn't take much more, a few more fast, hard thrusts and the rub of his cock against Jayne's belly, and Simon's coming, his body shaking with the strain and joy of it.
Jayne keeps moving him a little while longer, grunting words Simon can't quite make out. Simon rides out the undulations of Jayne's hips, wrapped in his own aftershocks. He just lets himself be used until Jayne cries out and jerks hard inside and underneath him.
When Jayne stops twitching, Simon lets himself fully collapse across the broad chest. They're both breathing hard. Eventually, Jayne helps Simon lift up and off, rolling them over with a sigh. They clean the worst of the mess off themselves, and Jayne pulls the sheets up and over both of them.
For a long while Simon lies still and listens as Jayne's breaths slowly even out. The hand at his waist relaxes, and after a few more minutes, Simon pulls away and pushes off the sheets. Jayne's arm tightens around him.
"Where do you think you're goin'?"
Simon tries to slip underneath and away. "River, she --" Jayne pulls him close. "It's been hours since I last checked on her. I can't leave her alone all night. Let go." He's rolled over, and Jayne moves to lie half on top of his back. It's not uncomfortable, but he's effectively immobilised.
"Don't think so."
"Quiet. And quit wigglin'. I'm tryin' to sleep." The words are muffled by Simon's neck, and he shivers slightly at the vibration against his skin, the scrape of beard across what he thinks is the beginning of a bruise. He doesn't remember feeling any pain, just the pleasure of Jayne's mouth sucking on his skin. Jayne doesn't want to kiss, but Simon thinks the man has a slight fixation with his neck.
He doesn't have the leverage to heave Jayne off him, so Simon forces himself to relax. It takes a long time, but eventually Jayne falls asleep and moves away enough to let Simon free. Slipping out of the bed, he grabs his clothes as quietly as possible. He doesn't think he breathes until he's half-dressed and halfway down the corridor, his heart beating a little too quickly.
The next morning, he's puttering about in the infirmary, alternately trying not to think too hard and trying to decide how he's going to tell Jayne that last night was the only time they'd ever do -- that. Jayne wanders in while Simon is half-way thinking through a scenario where Jayne starts cleaning his knife as Simon tells him they can't have sex again.
He's not sure if he wants to interpret the knife-cleaning as a threat, or as a come-on. He looks up slightly guiltily when Jayne taps impatiently on the wall.
"Thought I told you to stay put last night." Jayne isn't looking particularly friendly, and despite himself, Simon backs away slightly.
"I can't leave River alone for too long, you know that. She might hurt herself."
Jayne apparently ignores the words. "Ain't real neighbourly to cut and run like that."
Simon bites back a sarcastic remark about cuddling, and forces himself to just stare back at Jayne.
"A man likes to have a proper hello in the mornin', not to find himself alone with his hand."
Oh. Right. Not cuddling then. He doesn't bother to keep the sarcasm back, this time. "Well, as touching as it is when you put it that way, Jayne, some of us have other responsibilities than to give you a proper 'hello' in the morning. I can't say I'm sorry if I inconvenienced you."
Shrugging, Jayne throws him what might be called a friendly smile. "We'll use your bunk next time. Closer to your sister that way, you don't have to be runnin' off."
Simon's eyes widen, he can feel himself starting to blush. It's plainly ridiculous given what they did last night. "What? No, I --"
"That way we both get all we want." Jayne frowns a little. "Course, we do that and you're gonna have to be a lot quieter'n you were last night. Don't want to keep the others up with the racket. I don't like havin' to deal with complaints and whinin'."
He doesn't remember making much noise. Jayne looks somewhat furtive, and Simon briefly wonders what it is he's hiding. The thought gets interrupted as Jayne continues to speak.
"Might have to gag you if you can't stop yowlin'." Jayne doesn't look too concerned about the possibility. In fact, he looks quite pleased. "And if we're doin' that, might as well try a few other things." He says it as though it has just occurred to him, and knowing Jayne, it probably has.
Oh god. Simon tries not to watch the way Jayne is idly fingering his belt. He steels himself, forcing his voice to be steady. "Jayne, I don't think we should do ahhm...anything...again." He hopes he looks more resolved than he feels.
Jayne just smirks at him a little. "Yeah you do. See you later." He wanders back out the door, whistling tunelessly.
Simon tells himself he won't let Jayne in when he comes around tonight. He'll have a well-reasoned argument to deter the man, or maybe he'll just hole up somewhere Jayne can't find him. Or he could let Jayne down easily. After all, the man did save his life recently. He could just say they can have sex one more time, but that's it.
At the very least, he'll firmly say 'no' to the gag suggestion.
Spoilers: Up to Ariel
Disclaimers: Firefly and all associated characters do not belong to me.
Summary: Simon's not sure what he wants, but he gets it anyway.
Notes: Stacey beta read this and did a fantastic job. Thanks so much! This is in no way related to 'Big Damn Hero'. It's just another take on J/S after Ariel.