Hot Lovin', Alien Style!

Candace Loogosphy, Roswell Enquirer
May 9, 2001

In the wake of recent news about alien love babies [see companion story, My Sister's Pregnant with an Alien Love Baby!], the Roswell Enquirer has set out to answer an age old question: How do aliens do the nasty? The American public deserves, finally, to have its questions answered.

Speculation about alien sex has raged through the ages. Do they do it while floating? Do they have weird and ungodly extra appendages? Is the male passive or aggressive? Does the female take an unnatural lead? Even more pressing, do aliens like three-ways?

Even in Roswell, finding people willing to talk about alien sex is difficult at best. This is exacerbated by the fact that the local aliens are also apparently teenagers. After leaving discrete and less discrete notices at popular teenage, and possibly alien, meeting places such as the Crashdown Cafe, the Roswell Enquirer was able to solicit anonymous telephone conversations with several informants.

All informants live in the Roswell area. Some claim to be aliens, others regular, human teens.

One alien male who declined to be named stated that his knowledge of alien sex was mostly second-hand. He scoffed at the idea of extra appendages. "That's just a really stupid question. We're hiding in plain sight, looking and acting like humans. Extra body parts would kind of give it away."

Although he is currently dating a human girl, this informant has little in the way of hot information to report. "Are you kidding me? Sure, I think about it. I even hear it's pretty great. But my girlfriend's mom would kick my ass if she found out we were having sex. She's already warned me away. I might have powers, but I'm not messing with that woman. You'd know what I mean if you met her." As for three-ways, he says "Sure. I guess I'd try it. Why not?"

It seems like the human adults of Roswell are particularly touchy when the topic of sex, especially alien sex, is brought up. Says one member of law enforcement, also the apparent father of a young girl reportedly carrying an alien baby, "These questions are highly inappropriate. The alien investigation you're carrying out threatens to land you some jail time. In addition, investigating the sex lives of minors sounds dangerously close to breaching youth pornography laws. If you come near me or my family again, I will have you charged." What is it about alien sex that this individual feels is so threatening?

Perhaps the answer comes from one alien male who admits to a night of wild alien passion. "It was just so amazing. I mean, it's like human sex, I think, just much closer, almost like a merging with the other person. And after, wow. It's like floating for about an hour. I've never felt anything like it."

An hour? It's easy to imagine that humans might feel unable to fulfill that kind of standard.

Another young man, this time a human, admits he's thought about alien sex. "Sure. Who wouldn't? When you've got sexy aliens around you night and day, doing things like saving your life and taking you dreamwalking and getting you stuck in glowing blue caves, of course you think about it. Those aliens can be a pain in my ass, but there have to be some perks, right?"

Indeed.

Does he think aliens could be into three-ways? "I don't know. Some of those aliens are pretty uptight and intense. Then again, I think some of them could be into a little experimentation, right?"

Are there downsides to alien sex? One human girl says yes. "We haven't had sex yet, but I'd like to, obviously. He's a stud. But, I mean, what if afterwards he has to leave the planet? Like, wow, that was great, bye, gotta go and help run my home planet. I just want a little committment, you know?"

Another human is ambivalent about alien sex. "I've thought about it. I used to date an alien. But now I wonder if it's even right for humans to get involved with aliens. There's all this danger, other aliens, government plots, everything! Maybe the aliens should just stick with each other, and humans should keep to themselves."

Of course, there is also the problem of alien babies [see companion story]. Can they survive on the planet? And do we want aliens breeding around us? What of cross-breeds? Are alien-human relationships viable and welcome? These are pressing social issues that must be addressed when thinking about the unearthly pleasures of alien sex.

Although we pressed for more explicit information about alien sex preferences, respondents were not forthcoming. In fact, they were often rude and threatening when we pressed for further details. Since we've been led to believe that the so-called Alien Mafia should not be provoked, the Roswell Enquirer decided to end our questioning.

If you want more information on alien lovin', you'll have to conduct first hand research.

~~

Other headline stories: